


Taking Chances

by Rainernight



Series: Taking [1]
Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Adultery, Angst, Anxiety, Drama, F/M, Feelings, Implied Sexual Content, No Smut, Romance, Slow Build, Supernatural Convention, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2016-12-08
Packaged: 2018-09-06 21:17:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8769652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainernight/pseuds/Rainernight
Summary: Have you ever met someone and immediately you knew they were going to be trouble? Where everything you thought you knew changed in an instant?That happened to me, when I least expected it, and from the least expected source. I met Jensen at a convention. He met hundreds of other women that day, why me?This is a story about how my whole world got turned upside down. How seemingly meaningless decisions changed my entire life as I knew it.  And how one night made me question everything I knew about love, life and taking a chance.My name is Carina Daniels. This is my story.





	1. Head Over Feet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a playlist I created on Spotify of the songs I used for each chapter. Eyelash Wishes is not on spotify though. Enjoy.
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/1253372708/playlist/6bhqyCpTTr0dIOQGy0o3ig

1.

I was attending my first Supernatural Convention. I barely knew what happened at these things aside from what my friends had told me. I wasn't able to go previous years, because of work, but had somehow managed to get the time off to join them this year and be a part of the conversations that started before the weekend and continued, for basically, the entire year following.

We arrived at the hotel and it was already complete pandemonium. The predominantly female crowds were loitering in the lobby hoping for a glimpse of a star or someone who could get them close to one. They were everywhere.

I stayed close to my friends, not wanting to be separated and to be honest, they traveled in packs and it was a little if not a LOT intimidating.

"There's so many people here, I had no idea." I whimpered into the ear of my best friend, Kelly, and the main reason I'd come along to the event. I'd known her since school and she was basically the other half of my brain. I gripped onto her arm as we waited in line to check in.

"Ohhh my god, I just heard most of the cast arrived about an hour ago, and there's been a few sightings so far but nothing's been confirmed." My friend Oscar told us, running over from a group of strangers he'd been gossiping with since we arrived. His boyfriend, Levi, followed, rolling his eyes at Oscar's enthusiasm.

"When are the others getting here?" I asked Oscar who was typing furiously into his phone.

"They should be here sometime late tonight. They weren't able to get an earlier flight." He explained. Our friends Alana and Lauren were flying into Chicago from Florida to join us, it was going to be good to see them, it'd been far too long.

Just as we were about to make it to the desk a round of screaming came flooding across the lobby and people began to run around. Oscar was no exception. He quickly took his already tall 6'3" frame onto his tip toes and loomed over the crowd to get a better view.

"Holy fuck!" He exclaimed, his mouth falling open.

"What!? What's happening?" Kelly asked, trying to see as well.

"Just be cool, be cool." Oscar waved his arm frantically at us as he returned to his original height and faced Kelly and I looking like he was about to explode.

Just then the crowd behind him parted and there stood a rather bulky looking guy I did not recognize at all. He frowned at me looking at him and I quirked an eyebrow. "What?" I asked, looking down at myself. A smirk came to his face and he stepped aside, ushering through whoever was standing behind him.

And then as if in slow motion there he stood. Two green eyes staring right into mine and I was stuck in his gaze. Stuck to the floor. And I forgot how to breathe.

Jensen Ackles was standing less than 3 feet from me clad in dark wash jeans and a grey t shirt, frowning at me like I'd smacked his poodle.

"Oh, Mr Ackles!" A lady behind the counter squeaked sounding just as nervous as everyone around me looked. "What can I help you with?"

He tore his eyes away from mine and I looked down, trying to get some air in my lungs. And then it happened. He stepped forward to move past me and the crowd surged forward, pushing the line we were in, and I, already flustered-fell. It all happened in slow motion, I remember the moment I saw the floor rushing toward me and I went to put my hand out to stop myself, but it was too late. There was already someone holding me.

I caught my breath and took in what had happened. I was okay. I looked up, and there he was again. Green eyes. His arm wrapped around my waist, my body pressed tightly to his side, one false move and I'd be face down on the floor.

"You okay there darlin'?" He asked, his deep voice and smell invading my senses and sending my pulse into overdrive. "These crowds can get a little insane." He ducked his head back to look at what I now took to be his security, who were shouting at crowds to disperse. He looked back at me, his eyes searching mine. "Are you okay?"

I took stock. Minus the lack of air and slight dizziness from being this close to Jensen, I was okay. I nodded slowly, blinking a few times. "I'm okay." I managed to get out.

A small smile played at the corner of his lips. "I'm going to stand you up, okay?"

I nodded and he held my weight, placing me back quickly but firmly into a standing position. "Oh, there we are," I said dizzily, "Right side up again."

Jensen smiled, wide and I felt even dizzier. So much so I had to look away. He was not at all as I expected. Sure I'd seen the show, sure I'd crushed on Dean and Sam and Cas and all of that junk but I had no idea how truly beautiful this man was until I saw him in person. He was stunning.

"Thanks for...not making me face plant in front of all these people." I thanked him, the blood returning to my brain, finally letting me speak properly.

He grinned down at me, loosening his grip on my waist. "I'm sorry you almost face planted to begin with." He looked to the desk then at our surroundings and then back down at me. "You okay if I let you go?" He asked, seeming genuinely concerned for my well-being.

I nodded, taking a step back and he let his hand linger on my hip for a moment before it dropped back to his side. "I'm fine. Thank you again." I waved my arm towards the desk, letting him know it was okay to continue what he came here to do.

He nodded and smiled, hesitating before taking his place at the desk to go about his business. Kelly stepped up to my side, looping her arm through mine. "I'm not going to ask what the hell just happened right now but when we're in our room I want a play by play, do you understand me?" She said quietly so only I could hear.

I snorted at her reaction and nodded. "Of course..." I was still dreamily staring at the back of Jensen. I think everyone was. A few minutes later he tapped something against the desk and turned back. He grinned down at me, at us, either or.

"Enjoy your evening ladies." He winked at us, hesitated and then he was gone in a flurry of screams.

As soon as I could no longer sense him I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"Oh. My. God." I breathed out, feeling shaky.

A few minutes later I was standing at the check in desk completely confused. "We didn't book a suite, we booked a room. Two beds, one room. Not 4 beds 3 rooms." I asked the desk clerk for the 4th time.

She shrugged. "Well we've been told to give you and your friends a suite, and it's been completely paid for." She smiled like she had a secret.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "Who paid for it?"

She zipped her lips and made a motion like she was throwing away an invisible key. I wanted to punch her. "I'm sworn to secrecy. Here are your keys and the elevators are to your right. Have a nice night and enjoy your stay," She grinned and then motioned for the next people in line to step forward.

"I swear, I did not book a suite and I sure as shit did not pay for it." I explained to the others as we made our way up to our apparent 'suite'.

"We know. Don't panic, Carina. But, let's not look a gift horse in the mouth, right? I'm not turning down a suite." Oscar said as we headed up the hallway. He was, of course, right. If it was paid for why was I worrying so much?

I slid the key into the door and it opened. I have to say I was surprised, it did seem too good to be true. I pushed open one of the double doors and stepped inside. "Wow," I breathed out, "This is lush." I laughed, grinning around at my friends.

We all ran around the rooms, checking them out. I smiled at my friends who were laughing manically, sprinting from room to room. I noticed a bunch of flowers on the dining table and saw a small white card poking into the top. I headed over, curious as to who they were for, or if they were delivered to the wrong room.

I pulled out the card and in small neat handwriting it said:

_Sorry you almost ate floor._

_Enjoy the suite, I've taken care of it._

_My way of saying sorry._

_Hopefully see you around this weekend._

_Jensen_

"GUYYYS!" I screamed, waving the card in all directions.

They all came running in and I shoved the card at Kelly who took it, her eyes going wide as she read. "No fucking way! Who are you! First he's catching you and then he's sending you flowers and upgrading you to this palace?"

I sat down at the table, brushing my hand over the flowers. They were beautiful. How did he get them here so fast? Clearly, he could just click his fingers and get anything done around here. "He probably just feels guilty for causing a stampede. It's nice of him." I shrugged, not wanting to make a big deal out of what was probably nothing.

Oscar snorted, sitting down beside me. "If you bag a guest on your first Con I will destroy you." He eyed me, pointing his finger in my face. Levi reached up, gripping his boyfriends hand, pulling it out of my face.

"Don't be jealous, just because you've been trying to bag one of the beautiful people for 9 years." Levi told him, making Oscar frown and then pout.

"You guys are making mountains out of mole hills here so there's no reason to destroy me, Oscar, you're fine." I grabbed the flowers and card, tucking them under one arm as I trailed my suitcase along behind me into my room, which I'd decided was going to be the biggest of the 3 with a king size bed and en-suite bathroom. I set the flowers by the TV and flipped open the card again, falling back onto my bed with a sigh.

Did it mean something?


	2. Green Eyes Everything I See

2\. 

"Where are we even going?" I complained to the group as we trudged the Chicago streets, trying to find somewhere to eat that wasn't completely rammed with convention people. We'd been walking for about 20 minutes so far and my boots were really starting to hurt my feet. "Can we just go in somewhere already, please?"

We stopped outside of a dingy looking forgotten bar that had a sign saying 'Burgers, Wings and Beer.'

Oscar looked at us and I grabbed Kelly's arm. "He chooses here? Is this where we get stabbed?" I whispered.

She cringed and shrugged and nodded her head at Oscar. "I sure as shit hope not, but food's food and I'm done walking."

We followed Oscar inside. It was dark and smelt of stale beer and fried food. There were a few pool tables along the side wall and some booths scattered along the back. All up there must've only been about 12 people in there, not including a rather rowdy table in the back corner.

We took a table near the center, and Oscar went to the bar to get a round of drinks. The 3 of us left at the table had just settled into a nice comfortable conversation about the weekend to come when Oscar comes barreling over to the table, and quickly takes his seat, pushing 3 of the 4 beers he had in front of the rest of us.

"Don't look now," Oscar said, fidgeting while his eyes were darting frantically between us and something behind him. "But that table, in the back corner-"

"What about em?" Kelly interrupted, craning her head to look over the guys.

"I said don't look!" Oscar said, swatting Kelly's head with his hand making her jump in her seat. "It's the guys." He said like it was perfectly obvious which guys he was talking about.

"Guys? What guys Oz? You gotta be more specific." I laughed, taking a fry that had just been delivered to our table.

He leaned in, causing us all to lean in at the same time. "It's the Supernatural guys. As in Jensen, Jared, Misha, Rob and a bunch of others-for gods sake Kelly stop staring!" He swatted Kelly again who was now wide eyed after having a proper look.

"What are we going to go?" Kelly asked in a whisper.

I snorted, "You guys," I laughed when they looked over at me. "We do nothing. They're just trying to escape the crowds and have some food and a good time, just like we are. We eat, we drink," I took a sip of my beer. "We play pool and we leave them alone. End of story." I shrugged and they all eventually agreed, although I'm sure Oscar wanted nothing more than to crawl over to their table and just sit in front of them.

We ordered food and ate and the guys did well, they only stared a little bit and they managed to keep to themselves. I had also managed to stay under the radar until I got up to go to the bathroom. I crossed the floor, keeping my head down in case Jensen, for whatever god damn reason recognized me from earlier and tried to say something to me.

I had almost made it to the other side of the bar to the corridor where the bathroom was situated when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I flinched back, not expecting it and turned to see who was touching me. And came face to face with green eyes again.

"Hey, I thought that was you." Jensen smiled down at me, withdrawing his hand and shoving them both into the pockets of his jeans.

Wow, tall. "It's me. How are you?" I smiled back, shaking off the shock of having him this close to me again.

"I'm good. Full, slightly sauced from the beer." He shrugged, the obvious sign of alcohol dancing in his eyes. Distracting.

"While I'm here, I want to say thank you for the suite. It's totally unnecessary, but thank you anyway. It's very sweet of you."

He shrugged in an endearing, coy kind of way, looking down as he kicked at something invisible with his toe. Cute. "It's nothing really. Take it as an apology for my clumsiness."

"Your clumsiness?" I laughed. "You'd be surprised how many times a day I fight to stay vertical..." I trailed off, realizing how what I'd said must've sounded. "...not like that. Just...y'know, standing."

He laughed, and I couldn't help but smile. Infectious. "Well, I'm glad you and your friends are enjoying it."

By this time I really needed to go to the bathroom. "I hate to cut this short, but I really need to pee." I said honestly, pointing to the bathrooms behind me.

His face lit up in realization. "Oh shit, sorry. Go, go ahead." He waved his arm, backing away.

"Sorry Jensen." I shrugged and turned, heading into the ladies. I shut the door to one of the stalls behind me, leaning back on it. My heart was racing and I felt a bit light headed. Must be the effects of talking to Jensen. Dangerous. I went about my business and washed my hands, heading back out to join my friends. I was half way back to my table when a familiar voice at my shoulder stopped me in my tracks once again.

"Hey!" I stopped and turned. Green eyes. "I just realized, I've accosted you twice already and I don't even know your name." He had a beer bottle in his hand and I watched in slow motion as he lifted it to his lips, taking a swig.

"Uh, you want to know my name?" I asked, dizzy, again. Damn, going to have to stop that.

"Yeah, it would make calling you when I want to talk to you a lot easier than just chasing you around the bar." He smiled, and I smiled. This cannot be real.

"My name's Carina." I said, holding out my hand, like an asstard.

He wiped his hand on his jeans then joined it with my own. "Pleasure to meet you, Carina. I'm Jensen."

He gave my hand a squeeze then took his hand back. So dizzy.

"I was going to play some pool. 8 ball. You care to join me?" He asked, gesturing to the pool tables on the far wall.

"Sure," I answered almost immediately. "Just, let me go grab my beer and I'll join you in a sec."

He nodded and headed over to the pool table, choosing one before racking the balls.

"Holy shit." I whimpered, heading back to my friends. "Guys!" I said, leaning across them to grab my beer.

"What the hell is going on?!" Oscar snapped, trying to get my attention. "Why does that man keep chasing you?"

I shrugged. "Shut up, he's just being kind. You know, it's a thing people do when they have manners." I downed the rest of my beer, grabbing a fresh one that was now on the table.

Oscar narrowed his eyes at me and Levi reached up, placing a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. "Go have fun sweetie. I'll control the beast." Levi winked, rubbing his boyfriends shoulder.

I shook my head and reached down, grabbing Kelly by the elbow. "Come with me."

She audibly whimpered, her eyes darting over to Jensen and then back to me. "What will I say?" She asked, looking genuinely terrified.

"Oh stop it, he's just a person." I dragged her behind me, over to Jensen. "I bought a friend. I hope that's okay." Jensen was chalking his pool cue. He blew the excess off the end and came over, holding his hand out as introduction to Kelly. Who was frozen.

"Hi there darlin', I'm Jensen." He said dropping one of his killer smiles. I grinned, imagining what must've been going through her head at that moment.

Kelly's hand slowly came up, shaking his slowly, staring at his face like it was the last bottle of water in the desert. I snorted, reaching out to flick her elbow. "Oh, shit, my name's Kelly. I'm Kelly. Hi." I could feel the embarrassment roll off her in waves. She withdrew her hand and walked past Jensen to take a seat along the back, quickly chugging down half of her beer.

I shook my head at my friend's hilariousness. "Sorry, she's actually really normal." I apologized quietly to Jensen who just shook it off with a grin.

"No worries. That happens a lot." He grabbed another pool cue from behind him, holding it out to me. I put my beer down on a nearby table, taking the cue from him.

"You could've laid off on the suave a bit." I teased, going around him to take my place to break.

"The suave? What do you mean?" He asked, leaning on his pool cue, looking every bit like a GQ model in real life.

I gestured to him, my hand sliding up and down his body. "Like that, Casanova, you don't even know the effect you have on women. And men for that matter." I said, my eyes darting to the table where Oscar looked like he was hyperventilating.

I quickly hit the white ball, watching it slide across the table, hitting the balls sending them in different directions. The solid red ball rolled and slid into the right hand corner pocket and I smiled at my triumph. "Nice shot." Jensen said from behind me, making me jump. How had he gotten so close without me noticing?

"Stop doing that!" I snapped, reaching out to lightly hit his chest.

"Doing what?" He asked, feigning innocence as he jokingly rubbed his chest.

"Stop sneaking up on me, you've done it 3 times tonight already. I can't think straight." I circled the table away from him, lining up my second shot which I missed due to Jensen rattling me.

"Just trying to find a better vantage point, Carina." He winked at me and bent down, taking his shot, which he nailed.

"Sure you are." I rolled my eyes, heading over to my beer. I took a sip and caught Kelly's eye. Her brow was lifting in a questioning manner. 'What?' I mouthed to her.

'You're flirting with him.' She pointed.

I shook my head. Ignoring her to turn my attention back to the game.

He won the first game. I won the second. And then I sat the last one out, letting Kelly play against Jensen which was unfair. He had sunk all his to her not even one. She was normally better than me at pool.

I excused myself to go to the bathroom. When I came out of the stall Kelly was standing there, leaning against the basins with a knowing smirk on her face.

"Don't start." I shook my head at her, heading to the basin to wash my hands.

"You like him." She teased.

I shook my head. "Who doesn't? What's not to like?"

"He's married." She said, her smirk disappearing.

Oh. Did I know that? Did that matter? "And I'm not flirting with him. We played pool. Stop." I moved around her to dry my hands.

She frowned, staring at my face. "You didn't know he was married." She said gently, gauging my reaction.

"Married, not married. It doesn't matter. In case you've forgotten he's Jensen Ackles. One of the reasons we're even here this weekend. I'm nothing. So, he can be married, it doesn't make a difference." I snapped and turned around, reaching out to kick the stall door behind me. "Fuck, how could I forget he was married? His goddamn ring. It's right there."

Kelly reached out, putting her arm around me. "Don't be too hard on yourself, Carrie." She said, using her pet name for me. "He was flirting too."

"It doesn't even matter. Let's go back to the hotel."

She nodded, gripping my hand tightly in hers as we made our way back out. I averted looking over to where Jensen might be.

"Let's go guys." I said to Levi and Oscar who seemed less uptight now. Oscar even had a smile on his face. They got up and Oscar threw his arm over my shoulder, guiding us out of the bar. We'd just hit the pavement when I heard that voice again.

"Hey, Carina!" I turned, squeezing Kelly's hand that was still holding mine.

"What's up, Jensen?" I asked, the flirty tone completely gone from my voice.

He paused, studying my face for a moment, sensing my tone. "Are you okay?" He asked, completely ignoring my friends around me. Like we were the only two people there.

"I'm fine Jensen, just tired. Did you need something?" My tone was clipped. I felt bad seeing the confusion on his face.

"Me and a couple of others were going to go to another bar, we were wondering if you guys wanted to come with us. But,"

Oscar squeaked and I stepped forward. "I really don't think that's a good idea. I have a big day tomorrow, as I'm sure you do too. Maybe, give your wife a call and get some shut eye."

He visibly flinched at my mention of his wife and he looked down, swallowing heavily.

"Goodnight, Jensen." I scoffed, nodding, realizing he thought I didn't know.

I turned away, thankful that this time he didn't come after me.

To be continued...


	3. Smooth As Tennessee Whiskey

3.

I stared blankly at the TV in front of me. The others had gone to bed a few hours ago but I was still wide awake. 1:30am. I really wanted to sleep but I was still so rattled, so annoyed at my actions. How could I have forgotten such an important fact? Maybe I'd wanted to forget.

I changed the channel, landing on an infomercial for something I didn't need nor want when there was a knock at the door. "Who the hell." I cussed, jumping up off the sofa in the main room of the suite before the knocking woke anyone up.

I stood on tip toes to see through the peephole, my breath catching in my throat at the face on the other side of the door. I jumped back, my breathing escalated as I wondered whether I should even answer it.

"Shit." I cursed again, looking down at my grey sweats and black tank top. And then back at the door.

"I can hear you." A voice replied from the other side and I cringed. No choice now.

I stepped forward, turning the lock and the handle, opening the door so only my face was showing.

"Carina." Jensen nodded, his eyes droopy but glistening and beautiful.

"You're drunk." I noted, smelling the whiskey on his breath.

He shrugged, leaning against the door. "Let me in, Carina." He said, reaching up to try and push the door open enough that he could get in. "I just want to explain myself."

"Jensen, no. You shouldn't be here, this is inappropriate." I said, trying to shut the door, but he was strong.

His body then lurched and he reached up, shoving his hand over his mouth. "Let me in, Carina, I'm gunna barf." He got out and I cringed, throwing the door open.

"That way." I whispered harshly, pointing him to my room and he dashed through quickly, leaving a stench of hard liquor in his wake.

I shut the door quietly and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge before following after him.

The door was shut and I could hear him throwing up. I tried the door and found it unlocked. "It's only me." I warned before entering.

He was on his knees in front of the toilet, his head leaning against the cold ceramic.

I placed the water in his hand and grabbed a face cloth, wetting it before placing it on the back of his neck.

"Thank you." He choked out. I climbed up onto the vanity, looking down at him.

"It's more than you deserve." I said softly.

He groaned and reached up, flushing the toilet before moving, resting back against the bathtub with his long legs strewn haphazardly in front of him, "Why are you so mad at me?" He asked, looking up at me through blurry eyes.

I pointed at the water bottle. "Drink." I told him sternly. He nodded and reached for it.

"Answer my question." He demanded, trying to control his voice which was making my head swim.

"I'm not mad at you, Jensen." I averted his gaze again. "I'm confused by you."

"I asked for the suite number at the front desk. I know it was wrong of me, especially coming here at this hour but I had to know. Why did you leave? I thought we were having a good time." He seemed just as confused as I did.

"Because Jensen. You're married."

"So?"

"So?" And then it dawned on me. He wasn't flirting with me, I was flirting with him. He just wanted to hang out. How stupid of me. "Never mind. I needed to sleep and it was time for us to come back, that's all. Do you want me to call someone to come and help you to your room?" I asked, jumping off the counter.

I looked up at him for the first time since I sat down and his eyes were closed, his head tipped back ever so slightly, a soft snore coming from his lips.

"And he sleeps." I smirked, shaking my head. I crouched down. "There's no way I'm getting you back to your room like this." I crept closer to him, hesitantly placing my hand on his bicep, shaking lightly. "Jensen, you can't sleep on the floor you moron." I joked.

He stirred a little and opened one eye to look at me.

"Come. You can take the bed." I stood up, holding my hand out.

He used me for leverage and pulled himself into a standing position. He swayed forward slightly, pressing me back against the vanity and I reached up, holding his arms to steady him.

"You got it?" I asked him.

He nodded, smirking lazily as he wiped his eyes.

I helped him to the bed where he immediately flopped down, falling asleep. I stood back, hands on hips in total awe. "Actor, Director, Model and total lush." I laughed at him.

I grabbed the cover at the end of the bed, throwing it over his body then grabbed a spare from the wardrobe. I tip toed to the light switch, enveloping the room in darkness and crept to the day bed in the corner, pulling the cover over myself as I drifted into a restless sleep.

I woke up, startled as a phone was blaring through the room. The ringtone a deep croaky country song I didn't recognize. It wasn't my phone.

I glared through the thin ribbons of daylight that were peeking through the cracks in the curtains to the bed where Jensen was stirring.

"Jensen, your phone." I whispered but loud enough that he should be able to hear me. I watched his body move under the covers and he sat up, the covers falling away revealing his naked upper body.

"Sorry," He mumbled, his morning voice deep and husky as he fumbled around for his phone which he found on the floor. I watched his body reach down over the side of the bed and pick it up. He sighed looking at the caller ID and glanced up at me. "Sorry." He said again, swiping the screen before lifting it to his ear. "Hey sweetie," He said into the phone gently, but it was loud enough that I could still hear.

I felt my stomach turn and I jumped up, quickly disappearing into the bathroom. I shut and locked the door behind me, looking at myself in the mirror. It must've been his wife. His wife. God I'm so stupid. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and hair before taking a deep breath with my hand on the door handle.

I opened the bathroom door just as Jensen was pulling his shirt over his head, sitting on the side of the bed. I crossed my arms, staring down at the floor. He cleared his throat and I looked over at him. His face read so many emotions, but nothing that helped the guilt that swept over me.

"You should probably go." I said gently. Keeping my arms across me so I felt guarded.

"Carina I-" He started but I didn't give him the chance to finish.

"Just go, Jensen. I'll forget you were ever here. Just go before someone realizes you're not in your room." I crossed the floor to the day bed, picking up the cover I'd used, folding it.

I felt him moving behind me and then his hand was on my waist.

"Jensen, don't." I snapped, turning with my hands out in front of me to keep some space between us. "You were really selfish coming here last night. Knocking on my door reeking of whiskey. You've put me in a really confusing situation so I think it'd be best for everyone if you just leave."

Pain was evident on his face. But I was not going to budge on this.

"Leave, Jensen." I said more firmly. "Please." I said more softly, feeling my resolve leave as he edged closer. He held his arms out like he was going to touch me and I felt the electricity rise between us. "Don't Jensen, please." I was begging him now. "Just go."

"Let me, Carina." He whispered, closing the space between us, enveloping me in his arms. His hands slid round my waist, crushing me against him, my head against his chest. "I'm sorry." He said again.

"Stop saying that to me." I felt a tear slide down my cheek and I hid my face against him, not wanting him to see me break. "Stop being sorry. You don't need to be sorry."

"Then why do I feel so bad?" He asked, his hand rubbing soothing patterns on my back.

I pushed him away, wiping my cheek with my hand, "It's my fault. I thought...it doesn't matter what I thought. Go Jensen, I won't tell anyone you were here, I swear."

I looked up at him. And he was staring at me, concern etched into every feature of his face. "You're crying." He clenched his fist and huffed. "Fuck, I'm such an asshole." He turned away, running his hands over his head in annoyance.

I gathered myself together, controlling my breathing and wiping my face of the stupid betraying tears. I looked up at Jensen who was now sitting on the bed, his head in his hands.

"I should never have come here," He spoke into his hands. "I'm so sorry, Carina. Truly."

"Stop saying sorry to me. I hate that word." I said, taking a seat on the bed next to him. "Nothing happened. I won't tell anyone."

He looked over at me and I tried my best to smile. "You have no idea how much this is killing me right now." He said, holding up his ring finger.

I tried to hide my shock and I shook my head. "You don't mean that. You love your wife."

He nodded, forcing a strained smile onto his lips. "Yeah, I know." He got up, wiping his hands on his thighs. "I've gotta go. Jared will be knocking on my door any minute to go to the gym." He said, checking his watch. He slipped his feet into his shoes and looked around, making sure he wasn't forgetting anything.

I felt dirty, even though we didn't do anything. I still couldn't help that feeling that we were doing something wrong.

"What have you got on today?" He asked, probably just being courteous as he pushed his phone into his pocket.

"Um, I have Rob and Richards panel this morning then I have a photo op with you and Jared this afternoon and then your guys panel." I said, jumping up to look at the schedule Oscar had made us all that was on my nightstand.

Jensen smiled, coming over to take it from me. "Wow, you guys are organized." He laughed, his first proper laugh since he'd come into my room.

"Oscar, Oscar is organized." I shrugged.

"You've got every single one of my photo ops on here." He smiled softly, still reading the paper.

"Don't flatter yourself, I also have every single photo op with Misha including Castiel." I pointed out and he quirked an eyebrow at me.

"Whatever, you love me." He teased and I pushed his shoulder making him laugh again. Oh, I love that laugh.

"Time to go, Ackles." I said, grabbing the paper off him and pushing him towards the door.

"Fine, I'll go." He laughed, heading towards the door. I moved in front of him, opening the door to my bedroom to make sure the coast was clear then led him over to the door. I opened it, cursing how he smelt good even after ingesting what was probably a fair amount of Whiskey the night before. "I'll see you this afternoon?" He asked, hesitating at the door.

"Unfortunately." I teased back, rolling my eyes.

He grinned, rubbing his hands together. "Excellent." He leaned in, pressing his lips in a chaste kiss to my forehead. "Thank you, Carina. For everything. I'll see you later." He kissed me again, letting his hand run down my arm before pulling away, determinedly walking down the hotel corridor in all his bow legged glory.

I shut the door behind me, leaning back on it with an exhale.

What the hell was I doing?


	4. Blinded By The Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to point out now that anything that happens in this story is not at all a reflection on Jensen as a person. this is fiction. FICTION.

4.

I must've stood in the shower for over half an hour. The joys of hotel showers, they seldom ran out of hot water. I rinsed my hair out, running my fingers through my now tangle free locks, making another mental note that I needed to get a cut, it was starting to get caught in things.

I climbed out of the shower, wrapping a large fluffy white towel around myself as I headed out to my room to get changed. I found a short black playsuit with small sleeves and pulled it on before I began the mammoth effort of blow drying my hair. It was another 45minutes of hair, make up and choosing the right shoes before I was ready to face the day. I had just laced up my second boot when there was a knock at my door.

Kelly poked her head in without waiting for a response from me. "You ready to go? We're gunna go and grab a Starbucks before the R&R Panel." She smiled, coming into the room dressed in a floor length red maxi dress.

"Yeah, let's go!" I stood, grabbing my cropped leather jacket from the day bed and my back pack before following her out. We walked arm in arm behind Oscar and Levi.

"How are you doing after last night?" She asked and I tried to hide the guilt from my face, thankful she didn't have a front on view of me.

"I'm fine." I replied, and she side eyed me. "Honestly, Kell. I'm fine. It's nothing."

She nodded. "As long as you're fine." She said, not at all believing me but she didn't push.

We made it to Starbucks, and got extra coffee for Alana and Lauren who had flown in from Florida finally and were having a bit of a sleepy start. We made it back to the hotel just in time and quickly snuck into the back of the R&R panel which was just as hilarious and entertaining as we thought it would be. We wandered around some of the stalls and then grabbed lunch in one of the hotel restaurants.

And then it was time for the Photo Op. Dear lord, give me strength.

We had our tickets and waited patiently for our row numbers to be called. There was a hum of excitement in the holding room, everyone wanting to get there 10 seconds with the boys. I on the other hand, felt like throwing up.

Kelly held my hand when our number was called out and we followed the line to the conference room where it was all going to happen. I felt a lump forming in my throat as we neared the doors. I watched as people came streaming out of the room, flustered and excited, some crying and overwhelmed.

I waited behind Oscar and Levi and felt my breath halt in my chest as we crossed the threshold. I watched Oscar crane his neck to see from his impressive height. "Oh, I can see them!" He said excitedly, gripping onto his boyfriend's arm.

I watched them leave the line and move towards the boys and I saw a look of recognition cross Jensen's face and then his eyes search the line, landing on me. His face broke into a soft smile and he raised his eyebrows at me.

I laughed shaking my head at him and pointed to Oscar who was talking a mile a minute in front of him. He laughed and turned to Oscar, being charming as always as I imagined my friend babbling at him. They took their photo and I ushered Kelly up in front of me. She took a deep breath, looking back at me before she walked determinedly and confidently towards the waiting men. I smiled at her, knowing how brave she was trying to be. I watched her pick her pose with the guys and get squished in one of their famous three-way hugs.

I gave my ticket to the waiting volunteer and walked out once Kelly had left.

"Well, look who we have here." Jensen grinned.

"Shut up, Ackles." I laughed. A look crossed Jared's face as he looked to Jensen then back to me.

"You must be Carina." Jared guessed, holding his arms out. "I'm Jared. Jensen's told me a lot about you."

I let him hug me, feeling really small next to him. "None of it's true I swear. Hi Jared." I waved awkwardly, turning to Jensen. "Hi." I said to him.

"Hey you." He laughed, pulling my by the wrist into a bone crushing hug. I pulled away after a few moments not wanting anyone to think anything was up. "You okay?" He whispered while I was still close enough.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

He shrugged, "Just checking."

"Now which pose are we going for?" Jared asked.

"I honestly haven't thought about it." I laughed, because I hadn't.

Jensen reached out, slipping his hand around the small of my waist, joining his other hand on the other side. "Let's do this." Jared came to my other side and I held onto Jensen's arm with one hand to steady myself, gripping onto Jared's shirt with the other.

"Christ." I said, trying to find my balance.

They both laughed in my ears then Jensen whispered. "Smile." And a flash went off and then Jared let me go.

"I think I'm blind." I said, blinking to clear my eyes. "I was not prepared for that."

Jensen turned me in his arms, running his hands down my cheeks. "Look at me, sweetheart." He said and he slowly became clear. "You got it?"

"There you are." I laughed.

"Here I am." He turned away, grabbing something from someone waiting then turned back to me, shoving something into my hand. "Here, take this. And please, don't hesitate to use it." He said softly so only I could hear. "I'll see you later." He winked at me, guiding me out of the room.

I walked out in a daze, holding the piece of paper in my hand. I tucked it into my pocket as the others came bounding over, recalling every moment of their photos with exact precision. I smiled listening to them talk excitedly about the guys as we made our way back into the panel room to our assigned seats which were 2nd row center. The amount of money we'd spent on this convention was obscene but I'd only have to do it once so it seemed worth it.

I sat down between Oscar and Kelly and we all chatted happily while we waited for the Photo-Op to finish and for the panel to begin.

The band had come out on stage and were doing a song to hold the crowd's attention and I took that moment to check the piece of paper. I pulled it out of my bag, opening it discreetly by my leg.

It was a phone number, with a scribble underneath that said:

_Text me if you want to, I'd understand if you don't._

_J._

I pulled the paper against my thigh, looking around me but everyone was watching the stage. I pulled out my phone and quickly typed in the number, saving it before ripping the paper into small pieces, shoving it into my jacket pocket. I pulled up an open text screen and took a breath.

**I'd like you to know that piece of paper is now in at least 20 pieces tucked into my jacket pocket.**

**C**

I pressed send and immediately felt guilty. What was I doing? Texting a married totally unavailable, completely unattainable man. What was I doing?

My phone vibrated in my hand and I quickly opened it.

**Gld 2 hear. Hapy ur usng the nmbr. J**

"Oh dear god." I cringed at his text lingo, laughing behind my hand.

I hit reply.

**Please don't text like that. It hurts my brain.**

I bit my lip as I hit send, glancing up at the stage.

Vibrations again.

**Sorry. Force of habit. I txt Misha like that because it bugs him.**

Cute. I was interrupted by loud screams and I jumped in my seat making Kelly look at me with worry.

Another text came through.

**What row are you sitting in?**

I replied, smirking.

**Second row. Almost center.**

I looked up and Richard was now on stage, singing along with the band so I figured they'd be out soon.

Vibration.

**Wow, you do love me.**

I rolled my eyes then held my camera out in front of me, taking a photo as I stuck my middle finger up, smiling. I giggled as I attached it to the text and sent it to him.

"What are you doing?" Kelly asked, leaning over to try and see my phone.

I pulled it against my chest. "Nothing."

She narrowed her eyes at me then moved her head slowly back to the stage.

Vibration nation. 3 texts followed.

**Did you just...**

**I can't believe...**

**I'm hurt.**

The last one came with a photo. I opened it bending right forward in my seat to see a picture of Jensen backstage, full pout loaded onto my phone.

"Holy shit." I snorted, sliding down in my chair, covering my face with my free hand.

And then the room erupted in ear splintering screams. I looked up, seeing Jared slip through the curtains and onto the stage followed by Jensen who was still laughing.

I continued to laugh behind my hand, slowly slinking back to an upright position. I stowed my phone safely in my bag and waited for the song to finish.

"Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Jared Padalecki and Mr. Jensen Ackles!" I clapped and let out a little scream so I didn't look out of place.

They settled into their seats and began to speak and I watched as Jensen's eyes soon found mine in the crowd.

I smiled at him, winking and he laughed, shaking his head as he looked down, rubbing his knee.

"Oh my god, Carina. They chose your question!" Oscar noticed, seeing my name come up on one of the side screens. My eyes went wide. I'd forgotten I'd even sent in a question.

"Shit." I cussed and quickly stood up. I moved past Kelly who whispered a good luck and went to stand in line in the order the screen was showing.

I stood in line, wishing I had my phone or something to keep my hands busy. I tried to remember my question. I tried to focus on what the guys were saying. I tried to focus on anything other than my hands shaking. And then I made it to the front of my line.

I waited for them to answer the question on the other side of the room and then Jared turned to face me.

"Hello, on the left." He said and then squinted, shielding his eyes from the lights. "Carina! It is you! Hi Carina! Everyone meet Carina!" He said, pointing at me from the stage.

"Oh my god." I cringed, as everyone in the room began to shout hellos.

Jensen laughed into his microphone. "Carina and I met in the lobby yesterday when I walked into her."

I shook my head, smiling at them. And here I was hoping they'd just let me ask my question. "Yes, hi, hello. Hello everyone." I said into the microphone. "And you didn't walk into me, Ackles. You walked through me." I teased and he raised an eyebrow as the audience laughed.

"You fell head over heels if I remember correctly." He teased in return.

"You caught me, Romeo. Steady on." I teased and thought I'd better stop there. "Can I ask my question now?"

Jensen grinned, shaking his head at me then nodded. "By all means..."

I cleared my throat. "My question is for both of you, um, if you were to go back to before all of this began, with knowing how long Supernatural would last, would you still take the job or would there be other things or projects that you would want to do before committing or instead of committing yourself to the show?"

"Wow, good question." Jared mused, talking a second to think. "I personally would still take it, I think this is the perfect direction for my career to have gone in and to still have a show that's doing this well is unheard of in this industry and I never would've met the people I've met or this guy right here, so I would definitely still take the job."

The crowd clapped and all attention turned to Jensen. "This is hard for me because although I love this show and all the friends I've made and all of the amazing opportunities I've had there's still a part of me that would've liked to see where my career or life could've ended up if I hadn't gone on the path I've gone on." He said staring straight at me. I shuffled awkwardly under his stare. "So, yes I would still take it. But I'm also not sure. Thank you for your question Carina."

"Th-thank you both." I clapped as I stepped back from the microphone and shuffled over to my seat. Kelly had shifted over so I took hers on the aisle.

"Well done." She said into my ear.

"That was terrifying." I whispered back, reaching into my bag to grab my phone, holding it possessively in my hand for the remainder of the panel. But my mind wasn't there. My mind was elsewhere. Wondering what he meant by his words, or whether I was reading too much into what the words should have been at face value.

The panel ended and I mindlessly left the panel room, following my friends in a daze. Just one more thing to do today. We had to grab our photos and go and get them autographed. We lined up and searched for our photos on the table. I found mine and got back into line behind Kelly. I slipped my photo out of the protective sleeve and smiled. It was actually really cute. My eyes were drawn down to my waist where Jensen's hands were pulling me protectively against him. His smile pained, not quite meeting his eyes.

I slipped it back feeling my mind run away with me again.

"Your photo okay?" Kelly asked. I smiled widely at her, nodding.

"Yeah it's gorgeous. How's yours?" I asked her back, trying to distract myself.

My phone vibrated in my jacket pocket. When Kelly had stopped talking I pulled it out, opening the text.

**Are you coming to Autos?**

I hit reply.

**Yeah. Just picked up my photo.**

**I saw it.**

I frowned. How had he seen it?

**You stalking me now, Ackles?**

The line was fast moving, I'd already made it to the door.

**Shush, signing autographs.**

I smiled, putting my phone away. I stepped into the room, immediately scanning the tables for Jensen who was sitting on the far side beside Jared, smiling his real smile at a group of girls in front of him. I felt my heart sink. His real smile.

Fuck. I'm so stupid.

I trailed along behind Kelly, wanting to be literally anywhere else on earth. She put her photo on the table in front of Jared and I pulled my photo out, standing beside her.

I put my photo down once Kelly had moved along to Jensen. 

"Hey Carina," Jared greeted with a sweet sincere smile.

"Hey Jared." I returned, with not quite as much enthusiasm.

He tilted his head to the side. "You okay?"

I nodded. "Just tired. It's been a day." I tried to smile, feeling weak suddenly.

He nodded, "Get some rest, aye?"

I nodded watching him slide my photo to Jensen who was already looking at me, concern on his face.

"Are you okay, Carina?" He asked, his voice soft so only I could hear.

I nodded. "Can you sign the photo so I can go please?" I asked, not feeling like being around him anymore.

He looked hurt but signed the photo, holding it out for me. "Carina?" He asked but I just snatched the photo out of his hand, leaving the line and the room without looking back.

I'm so stupid.


	5. This Is How A Heart Breaks

5.

The guys wanted to go out and get dinner but I was exhausted. I managed to get out of it, faking a headache and made my way back to my room. I let myself in, bee-lining straight to my room. I shed my bag and jacket, kicking my shoes off without unlacing them and fell face first onto the bed. Which was a mistake. Housekeeping hadn’t been in and the sheets smelt of Jensen. I rolled onto my back, kicking at the covers.

I wanted to disappear. I wanted to leave. If I hadn’t spent a small fortune on this weekend I probably would have.

I heard my phone ring in my jacket pocket and I ignored it, hearing the ringtone fade out. It rang again and I groaned, sliding off my bed onto the ground where my jacket was. I pulled it out, looking at the caller ID.

I tilted my head back against the bed, sliding the green button to the left.

I took a breath. “What?” I huffed like a petulant teenager.

“Are you okay?” Jensen asked, genuine concern evident in his voice.

“I’m peachy. Was that all?”

Jensen sighed. “You’re not okay.”

I rolled my eyes even though he couldn’t see me. “I’m fine, Ackles. Can I go now?”

“Carina…stop being like this please.” He said softly. I heard him swallow something.

“Like what?” I asked. “Like a total idiot. That’s what I am?”

“You’re not an idiot, Carina. Why would you think that?”

“Why do you keep pushing, Jensen? Just stop okay. I forgive you for whatever happened in the lobby. You can stop feeling guilty. I won’t tell anyone where you slept last night I swear. Just please, stop okay, I can’t take it.” I hung up and turned my phone onto flight mode, just wanting a break.

I went into the bathroom and began to run a bath, needing some space. I stripped my clothes and climbed in, putting in my headphones to listen to some music to zone out.

I was half way through one of my relaxation playlists when someone suddenly came barging through the bathroom door.

“JENSEN! WHAT THE FUCK!” I shouted, quickly pulling my legs up to cover my chest, yanking my headphones out of my ears, making sure they, or my phone didn't fall into the water.

“Oh my god, I thought something was wrong when you didn’t answer your phone or the door so I went and got a key and let myself in and…oh wow, you’re naked.” He babbled apologetically before he turned and faced the other way which didn’t really do anything since there was a massive mirror.

“WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK IS HAPPENING!” I shouted again. “SHUT YOUR EYES, ACKLES!” I shouted and waited for him to cover his face. I got up out of the bath and wrapped a towel around myself.

“I am so sorry.” He said and I rolled my eyes.

“Stop saying that to me.” I said more calmly this time as I let the water out of the tub. I grabbed my phone and headphones and the bottom of Jensen’s shirt and moved back into the adjoining room. I quickly shut the connecting door in case someone came back. “What are you doing?” I asked, glaring up at him once we were out of the steamy bathroom and I could think more clearly.

He moved his hand from his face. “I was worried.”

I shrugged at him. “That gives you zero right to barge into my room.”

“I know that now, god I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that to me.” I repeated. “I’m fine. As you can see. It’s been a long day and I need some time.”

“Away from me?” He sat down on the bed again. It was distracting having him in here.

I sat down next to him. “Well, yeah. Everyone really. It’s been a really confusing few days for me.”

He nodded, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. “Same here.”

We sat in silence for a while and I shifted on the bed, the bottom edge of the towel sliding up my thigh. I felt his line of sight change, resting on the fresh slither of skin now showing. I watched him swallow and run his hand down his own thigh.

“I’m really struggling here, Carina.” He said, his breath catching in his throat.

“With what?” I asked, my voice catching as well, feeling the energy in the room change.

“To do what’s right. Instead of what I want to do right now.” He turned to look at me and I met his eyes.

“And what do you want to do right now?” I swallowed as well, feeling a blush cover my still damp skin.

He adjusted his position, moving his hands up and down his thighs in clenched fists. “I want to take off that towel, and touch you until you tell me to stop.”

“Jensen,” I sighed, an agonized groan leaving my lips as I turned away, facing the window. “Please, don’t say this to me. I’ve spent all day convincing myself that I was wrong. That what I was feeling was one sided. Please don’t say that to me.”

“Why?” He asked, moving up behind me.

I turned so I could see into his eyes, reflecting the same amount of agony that I felt. “Because I would let you.” I replied gently.

He leaned in toward me, kneeling on the bed behind me. He lifted one hand to the back of my neck, the other to my cheek, tilting my head up. I watched his head tilt closer and before I knew what was happening, his lips were on mine. His kiss was hesitant, testing. And I knew I was too late.

I let my lips part and I let him in. He groaned into the kiss. I felt him move and his hands were gone, moving under my legs to lift and push me back into the center of the bed. I pulled away, long enough to look up at him gazing down at me in awe.

“You’re beautiful.” He said down at me, taking his position between my open legs.

“You are, Ackles.” I responded, wrapping my arms around his strong shoulders, bringing his body down to mine.

I woke up in the afterglow. The sky outside my window was dark and Jensen’s arms were wrapped around me. I shifted to check the time on my phone which was balanced haphazardly at the end of the bed. 2:49 Am.

I looked over at Jensen, asleep in the bed next to me. His arms still hugging the spot where I was laying. I wanted to know what he was thinking, whether he was feeling like I was.

My body was sated but my mind was frantic. My stomach was a knot of guilt and self-hatred, hatred at my own weakness.

We had done it. I had made him a cheater. His wife, his poor wife. I lay back down, turning to face him, feeling a tear slide from my eye onto the pillow.

His eyes blinked open. And he watched me for a moment. Watching the tears sliding down my cheeks. I watched his eyes fill and a stray tear escape.

“I’m sorry.” I sobbed reaching out to wipe it away. He grabbed my hand, pushing it away as he pulled me closer to him by my waist, our foreheads meeting on the pillow. “I’m so sorry.” I apologized, feeling any resolve slip away as I broke. Shattered into a million guilt covered pieces in front of him.

“Don’t say that to me, Carina. You hear me? This isn’t your fault. Hell, it’s not my fault. We’re in this together.” He held me as I cried, and he cried.

“I should’ve told you to stop.” I said.

“I should’ve stopped. Don’t beat yourself up, Carina. Please.” He pleaded, holding me tighter, tucking my face into his neck as I cried. “Please don’t cry, Carina. Please.”

He tried to quiet my tears but I must’ve exhausted myself into sleep because when I woke up my eyes stung, my throat felt thick and my chest felt heavy. The daylight was streaking through the curtains. I looked up from the chest I’d woken up on to see Jensen was wide awake, watching me. His eyes danced in the light, and he smiled gently.

“Good morning,” He croaked, his voice thick with sleep.

“Good morning,” I replied, rubbing my thumb on his chest, my eyes following the pattern.

“I have to go soon.” He said, searching for my eyes. I could feel him watching me carefully, probably waiting for me to break again.

I nodded. “I understand.”

He reached his fingers up, gently holding my chin, forcing me to look at him. His stubble was longer than it was yesterday. I wanted to run my hand over it. But I didn’t dare move.

“I’m okay.” I lied, trying to smile.

He sighed, shaking his head at me. “I really wish you’d stop saying that when you don’t mean it. I’m not okay.”

I shrugged at him. “You’d better go before you’re seen.” I said softly.

He grimaced, letting my face go. He moved up onto his elbows, taking me with him and I sat up, pulling the sheet to cover my nakedness. He slid out of the bed, revealing his naked body to me in all it’s defined glory. I felt sick again.

He searched the floor for his briefs, pulling them on before he rifled around on the floor for the rest of his clothes. “If you find my dignity down there, will you be a love and give it back to me.” I tried to break the tension with humor, but the way he looked at me with hurt and anger meant I was off the mark by a long shot.

“Don’t Carina.” He warned, his tone stern. I nodded, knowing what he meant and he pulled his shirt over his head, before slipping those gorgeous legs back into his jeans. I watched him dress, remembering every inch of skin I could. Even if it was just to torment myself with.

He checked his pockets, making sure he had everything. He looked at me.

“Will I see you today?” He asked.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m meant to be at your solo photo op and Misha's solo op but I’m not sure anymore.”

He sat on the bed next to me, tucking a strand of loose hair behind my ear. “Try. If you can. I’ll understand if it’s too hard. But please try.”

I nodded.

“Carina, please don’t think I regret what happened last night be-“

“Don’t do this Jensen. I’m okay. I don’t need ‘the talk’. Go.”

“Carina.”

“Look, just go Jensen before I tie you to this bed and never let you leave, okay?” I said, feeling the emotions rise from my chest again.

He looked pained but nodded. He leant in, pressing a gentle kiss to my lips, one to my cheek and one lingering one on my forehead.

I let my eyes close, and when I opened them again, he was gone.

I stayed in bed most of the morning. I missed half of Misha's solo panel. I told my friends it was my headache. Kelly knew I was lying. I dragged myself into the shower just after lunch and slowly got ready. I needed to see him, even if it was to remind me last night was real.

I dressed in simple black skinny jeans, a black tank and black flats. I dressed how I felt. Grim.

I at least threw some make up on, trying to cover up the ever-growing bags under my eyes and applied some blood red lipstick to at least lift the outfit a little. I grabbed my back pack and all the passes I would need and headed down to catch the last half of Misha's panel before my photo op with him and then my op with Jensen.

I ducked into the back of the hall, taking one of the miscellaneous seats at the back and checked my phone for the first time.

I had two texts. The first was from Kelly, asking if I was okay and I quickly replied knowing she was in this room somewhere. Probably in our seats near the front.

The second was from Jensen.

**I hope I see you today. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. I’ll make sure we have time to talk later. Please look after yourself.**

**Jen**

**X**

I stared at the simple X at the bottom of his text and hated myself a little more. I shoved my phone in my bag and waited for the panel to end. I found Kelly and the others in the crowd as we began to head into the photo op.

“You made it!” Kelly grinned, reaching out to pull me into a hug.

“I figured I had to at least try.” I smiled, hugging her tightly.

“Carina, will you tell me what’s going on?” She asked quietly into my ear. “I know when you’re lying. I can see it in your eyes.” She pulled back and I felt the guilt grow. “You don’t have to tell me now, but please, tell me eventually.”

I nodded, swallowing a lump in my throat. “I will. Just not yet, okay? I’m not ready.” I admitted, feeling the tears in my eyes.

“Oh, love. Later, okay?” She said, rubbing my shoulder.

I nodded, wiping my eyes before we went to line up for Misha.

Misha was wonderful. Everything I hoped he’d be and more. He gave me a massive hug and hoped I’d had a good weekend. We took a cheesy photo and I went on my way. The next op was a little more stressful. I lined up with Kelly, and tried my best to fake that I was okay.

We made it to the threshold of the door and I felt the tension sitting in my chest. I felt light-headed and sick to my stomach. But I stayed there. Wanting to show Jensen that I was okay.

Kelly went to him and I met his eyes, as he flashed me a look of concern and sadness. Kelly took her photo and I handed my ticket to the volunteer. I’d only just let it go and Jensen was already there, offering me his hand.

I took it, gripping it with all my strength as he led me to the middle of the room again. He pulled me into him and I felt my resolve break.

“You’re not okay, are you?” He whispered so only I could hear.

I shook my head feeling the tears threatening their way out.

He leant his forehead against mine, cupping under my chin so I was looking up into his eyes. I noticed a flash come from beside us and knew the photo had been taken. I pushed out of his grasp before I lost it again and moved to flee from the room. “Carina stop!” Jensen said, grabbing me around my waist before I could run.

He pulled me by my waist behind one of the room dividers so it was only the two of us. I fought against his arm and he held onto me.

“Stop, Carina.” He begged, holding his forehead against my back. I broke. I shattered again. This time into a million more pieces. And he held me. His arms holding me against his chest, his face moving to press against the back of my neck as I sobbed out every inch of betrayal and guilt and hurt I could muster.

My heart broke into a thousand pieces. And he held them and us together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you still with me guys?


	6. Stop! Before You Tear Me Apart

6.

I sat on a chair behind one of the dividers, sipping on a bottle of water one of the volunteers had bought me. Jensen had told them I'd had a panic attack and he was consoling me. He'd gone back to taking photos and I was sitting, staring at the divider, wondering how I'd let this get so out of hand.

I stood up after I'd collected myself enough and walked out of the divider. I thanked the volunteer and headed for the door. Jensen saw me and stopped me on my way, grabbing my hand.

"We'll talk later?" He asked. I nodded, knowing by this stage it was pointless to fight it. He rubbed the inside of my hand with his thumb and then let me go. I headed out of the room and Kelly was still there, waiting for me with her arms crossed.

"Oh, you're still waiting."

She lifted her hand, holding a photograph slip. "The photographer bought out your photo, said he didn't think it would be safe to have this on the table." She slipped the photo out, showing me the photo. It was as bad as I thought. I was crying, clearly. And Jensen's eyes were shining with unshed tears. We were close, no, not even close, we were intimate. This photo was intimate. And real.

I felt the tears well in my eyes again. "Kelly, I can explain!"

She slipped the photograph back into the protective cover and handed it to me. "You'd better. Because that photo looks incriminating, for both you and Jensen." She grabbed me by my arm, linking us together. "I told the others to go ahead to the panels. We're going to the suite and we're going to sit there until you tell me what the hell is going on."

Half an hour later I had spilled my heart out to her on the couch in the suite. I was in tears, and Kelly sat stoic on the single arm chair, her arms crossed, watching me carefully. "Please say something." I said to her after several moments of silence.

"I'm just trying to figure out who's more stupid, you, or Jensen." She said, rubbing at her chin.

I ran my hands over my face. "Please don't judge me, Kelly, don't you dare."

"Judge you? You slept with a married man! You! The girl whose moral compass has stirred me out of trouble several times. And don't even start me on Jensen. How could you, Carrrie?" She stood up, pacing back and forth in front of the television.

"I don't know, okay?! I don't know what happened! He was here. And I was in a towel. And then he was touching me and I lost myself, okay? I don't know!"

"Is it because he is who he is?" She asked, gesturing with her hands. "You had to, because he's Jensen Ackles?"

"What!?" I asked her in disbelief. "No! God, maybe? I don't know. No." I shook my head, still not totally believing myself. "I feel awful okay? But I can't take back what happened. I can't go back and make it un-happen!"

Kelly sighed, sitting down on the sofa beside me. "What are you gunna do? What is he gunna do?"

I shrugged, leaning my head on her shoulder. "Stop."

"Can you stop?" She asked, rubbing my hair comfortingly.

"I have to."

And I had to. I couldn't let this continue. I couldn't get attached. Jensen texted later that day, asking if he could come and talk. I made sure the suite was empty and pulled a giant jumper over my earlier outfit, leaving my makeup stained down my cheeks.

I heard a light knock and left my room, shutting the door so we wouldn't be tempted.

I took a deep breath and opened the door. Jensen looked how I felt. Exhausted, defeated and beyond guilty. He was dressed in a black shirt, jeans and brown boots looking every bit the TV star he did earlier. Except for his eyes.

"Hi." I smiled, moving back from the door to let him in.

He smiled too, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Hey, sorry I contacted you so late." I shut the door behind him, watching him choose where to sit. He sat at one end of the sofa so I maneuvered myself into one of the single arm chairs, needing space. A look of hurt crossed his face and he masked it almost immediately.

"It's okay, I understand." I said, crossing my legs and my arms, maximum defense.

He ran his hands over his head, clearing his throat, and then his eyes were on me. "I have to tell Danneel."

Danneel? Oh, the wife. Of course. Fuck. "Oh?"

He nodded slowly, "I can't lie to her. She'll figure it out. I have to tell her, you understand?"

I shrugged, "Why? It was one time." I couldn't help but keep the offense out of my voice but it wasn't working. I was hurt. I didn't even know why. No, I knew why, he was worried about his wife, but he didn't seem particularly worried about me. Since when was I so selfish.

"Carina-" He tried but I cut him off, standing and walking towards the door.

"No, it's totally fine. Tell your wife, hell, you can blame this whole mess on me. I'll grin and bear it, I swear." I pulled the door open, ignoring the fact he was now standing, stalking towards me.

"Carina," He grabbed the side of the door, slamming it closed. "Stop it!"

"Stop what? Being realistic? You have a wife, Jensen! A wife!"

"I'm aware of that!"

"And I, have this, okay? This weekend, and last night and all the other stupid memories and that's okay. But you, you have a wife. And a child. Oh, my god, you have a child." I felt my chest restrict and my breathing shallow. "You have a child, I'm a home wrecker. I'm a life ruining home wrecker, oh my god." I leant back against the wall, sliding down it to the floor.

Jensen stood in front of me, shaking his head at my current state. "Carina..."

"Stop saying my name. Please. It's not helping. Just go Jensen. I've done enough damage. Save yourself." I pulled my legs to my chest, trying to breathe. I felt him move in front of me. He moved his hands into mine and untangled them from around my legs.

"Look at me, sweetheart." He said softly, and I felt him rubbing my neck which made me want to purr.

I lifted my head up, leaning back into his touch and eventually opened my eyes. So much green.

"We're in this together okay? Whatever this is, it's ours. You understand me?" He asked, still rubbing the back of my neck.

"But you have to tell her?" I asked, knowing the answer before I'd asked the question.

He nodded, leaning forward to rest his forehead against mine. I shut my eyes. "I'll wait until I get home, but yeah, I have to. I can't carry this. She's going to hate me."

"Half as much as she'll hate me."

He moved back and I opened my eyes. "I made a choice." He admitted. "I knew what I was doing, Carina. I can't-I can't help myself when I'm around you. And it's terrifying."

I reached forward then, wrapping myself around his shoulders, pulling him into a tight hug. I hid my face in his neck, breathing him in. He smelt like sin.

We sat on the floor of the suite for at least another hour, holding one another and talking. About us, about our lives, about what we do, where we come from. It was like reading a book in reverse. We'd already shared one of the most intimate of things together, and only now were we sharing ourselves mentally.

"So, you're 29?" He asked and I nodded. "You look younger." He smiled, stroking my cheek.

I shrugged, "I have good genes I guess."

"And you have three sisters?"

I nodded again. "Yes. My poor father, growing up with 5 women in the house."

He nodded, a knowing smile on his face. "I know how that is, there's only two of them in mine but that's one more than me. And JJ's enough for at least 3 women. Takes after her mother."

I felt my body stiffen at the mention of his family and he sighed, gripping me tighter to his chest where I ended up laying.

"Sorry." He said, continuing to run his hand over my hair.

"Don't say that to me. You have nothing to be sorry for." I pulled back, sitting in front of him. "Screw this," I said, getting up off the floor, stretching for the first time in a while. "What time is it?" I checked around for my phone, spotting it on the coffee table. It was a little after 8:30 at night. "It's the Saturday Night Special. Let's go check it out."

Jensen stood as well, stretching as I just had. "You want to?" He asked, tilting his head to the side. "The guys did ask me to sing." He pulled his phone out of his own pocket and began to text someone.

"I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. I want to go and have a drink or 4 with my friends and dance a little." I went through to my room, opening my suitcase. I pulled out a little black body con dress with detailed straps and began to get undressed.

I didn't even notice Jensen had followed me until I heard him gasp from the bed.

I turned with my jeans around my ankles and top riding up my abdomen. "Totally forgot you were here." I shrugged. "Sorry."

"Don't say sorry to me." He cleared his throat, covering his eyes with his hand although I could tell he didn't want to.

I quickly changed and pulled my hair out of its ponytail. "I'm decent." I smiled, heading over to the bathroom to fix my makeup.

"Decent?" He asked, breathless, a certain edge to his voice. "Barely." He said and I felt him follow me this time. "You're going down there in that?"

I'd picked up a makeup wipe to fix my smudges and looked over at him and then back to my dress. "What's wrong with this?"

He leaned up against the door frame, crossing his arms and rubbing his chin with a smirk on his face. "Nothing's wrong. Everything's in just the right place." He smiled wide now, leaning forward to check out my ass.

I narrowed my eyes at him and went back to fixing my makeup. After a little grooming I was almost ready. "Shoes," I said, holding my finger up to Jensen who just smiled at me, letting me pass him in the door way.

I rooted around in my suitcase, pulling out the only pair of heels I'd bought. Patent black pumps. I sat down on the bed, sliding them on then stood, rearranging my dress.

"Ta-daah!" I flashed Jensen a grin and some jazz hands and he rewarded me with a grin that reached his eyes.

"You," He started, heading towards me with his hands out. "Are simply stunning." He finished, pulling me against him by my waist and I could feel how 'stunning' he thought I looked because he was hard, pressing against me.

I looked down, not expecting that sort of reaction. "Wow." I breathed out, looking up into his eyes which were dancing with lust. "We can't." I said softly, reaching up to touch his chest.

He groaned, low and throaty, his hand falling to rest at the small of my back, almost touching my ass. "Can I at least kiss on you some before you put your lipstick on?" He asked, reaching up to run a thumb across my bottom lip.

I'm in too deep now. We've pretty much done the worst two people can do. I shrugged. "If you want to kiss on me, I wouldn't mind." I smiled.

He groaned again. "You're such a tease." He whispered before pressing his lips to mine.

"So, you'll text me, yeah?" Jensen asked, his hand at the small of my back as we headed towards the elevators.

I nodded. "Of course, I'll head to the bar first and then try and find my friends."

"You'll be at the concert?" We stopped and Jensen pressed the down button. I watched it light up and he pulled me tighter against his side. He didn't seem that concerned that someone might see us but I guess I was paranoid enough for the both of us, my eyes darting around every few seconds.

"Definitely." I leant up, kissing his cheek before untangling his arm from around my waist. His bottom lip pouted out and he looked like he was going to reach for me again. "We can't Jen." I whispered as the elevator dinged.

"I know." He sighed irritably and the doors opened. Lucky for us I'd kept some distance because it was full, and there were a group of obvious fans. "I'll get the next one." He whispered to me as I moved to get into the elevator.

I nodded and turned to face him once I was far enough inside the doors.

He shook his head, his eyes washing up and down my body. I saw him bite his lip before he muttered another 'tease' under his breath and the doors closed.

I tried to ignore the group of fans in the elevator, buzzing with excitement about seeing Jensen outside of a panel or photo op.

"Excuse me, were you with Jensen Ackles just now?" One of the girls asked and I craned my head to see her just as one of the others took a photo of me, blinding me temporarily.

"Wow, can you not take photos of me without warning please?" I blinked. "I was waiting for an elevator, just like him. I don't know him." I lied.

One of them took a step forward, looking me up and down but in a totally different way to the way Jensen did just seconds before.

I turned back, trying to ignore their sneering and under breath comments about how I was just a slut so why would he know me. And that was the first time I felt like a slut.

Because they didn't know what I knew. And I did.


	7. Forget Your Lust

7.

I headed straight to the bar as soon as I’d gotten out of the elevator. Talk about a ride from hell. I hated people sometimes. As much as I tried to ignore what they had said about me, they didn’t know they were right.

I ordered a very strong drink from the bar, downing it in a matter of minutes before ordering another. The bartender gave me the side eye but I just stared at him until he gave in, giving me another drink. I pulled my phone out and texted my friends before heading to the panel room where the concert was going to be.

It was packed. I ignored the snide looks from girls judging my outfit and looked for my friends. I found them with relative ease since Oscar was so obscenely tall.

“Hey!” Kelly waved as I went over. “You okay?” She looked me up and down as well. “You look great.” She noted without a hint of judgement. I can at least count on my friends to have my back.

“Thanks, I needed to get out of that room.” I said, joining her where she leant against a wall close to the stage. The band started up again and I moved in closer to her so she could hear me. “He’s going to tell Danneel.”

She nodded, reaching out to grab my forearm in support. “It’s probably a good idea.”

I shrugged. “I know. I almost wish he didn’t have to.”

“You know he has to.”

“I know, I mean, I almost wish I hadn’t done what we did. I feel dirty.” I told her about the girls in the elevator and she rolled her eyes.

“Don’t listen to them, they’re just jealous. Envy can do some pretty ugly things to good people.”

I took another sip of my drink, feeling the buzz in my veins already. “You’re telling me.”

My phone buzzed in my hand and I looked down to check it.

**I’m gunna be on soon. Shall I expect my biggest fan front of stage?**

I smiled. He’s never going to let that go, is he?

**Smart ass. I’m against the wall, keeping my teasing ways to myself.**

I took a few moments to appreciate where I was. I’d been so in my head the last few days I’d barely taken a second to realize where I was and what I was doing. I’d been looking forward to this weekend for months. I decided not to let a small handful of fans get to me, and instead, enjoy the evening.

I let myself smile as I watched the band, letting my hips sway to the music and even found myself singing along. I was just getting into it when my phone buzzed again.

**You look beautiful when you smile.**

Fucking Jensen. I froze immediately, feeling his eyes on me. I searched the stage but the lights were too bright. I decided to put my phone away so I wouldn’t feel so paranoid and tucked it into my backpack.

I finished out the song, dancing like no one (meaning Jensen) was watching. I clapped extra loud. Well, as loud as I could with a drink in my hand, when the song finished, and listened to Rob woo the crowd as he was so good at doing.

And then there he was, appearing between the curtains as he climbed the stairs to the stage and the room erupted. I clapped and put my fingers between my teeth to wolf whistle.

“Hey guys,” Jensen crooned into the microphone Rob handed him as he placed it into a microphone stand. “Do you guys mind if I come and sing a couple of songs with the guys real quick?” He asked. As if anyone in this room was about to say no.

He took a guitar that Rob handed him and slung it over his neck, adjusting it just right, as the opening chords of Simple Man began to play and I felt my insides melt.

Kelly gripped my arm, jumping up and down excitedly. “I love this song!” She yelled, showing her appreciation and I nodded with just as much enthusiasm.

He stood at his microphone, looking around the crowd, waving to people and then his eyes found me. He smiled softly, holding my eyes before disappearing back into the song. He started to sing and I mouthed along with the words, thankful that I could be here to witness this. I hadn’t heard him sing it with a live band. I’d only ever heard it acoustically recorded, and that was good, but this? This was breath taking.

From the beginning to the end of the song Jensen held the crowd in the palm of his hand. If he wasn’t an actor I would suggest being a musician because this guy had star written all over him.

The song ended and I downed the rest of my drink, placing my cup into a nearby bin so I could clap loudly again.

Jensen stayed on stage for a few more songs and I couldn’t stop smiling.

After the concert, we all wanted to go out. We decided to head to the bar we went to the other night, knowing it wouldn’t be too busy and that we wouldn’t be surrounded by fan girls.

We walked to the bar and ordered a round of shots as soon as we got there. I grabbed a round of beers and was about to pick up the tray when two hands on my waist caught me by surprise.

I turned around expecting to have to knock a stranger out with a swift right hook. Green.

“God damnit!” I cursed, pushing his chest. “Jensen, you asshat, stop sneaking up on me!”

He laughed, his eyes alight with the visible signs of alcohol, probably like the light in my own. “Sorry, darlin’! You’re too easy to sneak up on.” He put his arm around my shoulders, kissing the space between my ear and cheek.

I tensed immediately. “Jensen,” I warned, noticing his friends along the bar beside us, Jared’s eyes watching us especially close, frowning.

“I don’t care. Screw ‘em.” He said into my ear before kissing the spot again.

“I do care.” I said, shrugging his arm off my shoulder to grab the tray of beers. I looked up into his eyes, ignoring the hurt reflecting back at me. “I’ve already been called a slut once tonight, let’s not poke the bear.” I suggested, turning to glance at Jared and then back at him.

Jensen looked at his friend, and nodded. I took that as my cue to leave. I headed back over to my friends, Kelly coming over to me straight away. “He’s getting a bit brave, isn’t he?”

I nodded, sighing as I handed her a beer. “He’s been drinking. I’ll be more careful with him.”

Kelly nodded, taking a sip of her drink. “I have to say girl, I’d hate to be you right now.” She said, pointing her little finger towards the bar.

I turned to see Jensen and Jared standing to the side of their friends. Jared was pointing a finger into Jensen’s chest and he was pointing towards me with his other hand, both of their faces showing nothing but anger and frustration. Jared then looked over at me, narrowing his eyes. If looks could kill, I’d be on the floor.

“Wow.” Kelly put her hand on my back, rubbing gently.

I shook her hand off, chugging back half of my beer. “Fuck the lot of them.” I seethed, wiping my chin. “Nothing can make me feel worse than I already feel about myself, just…fuck everyone.”

I downed the rest of my beer and put it on the tray. I needed to hide for a bit. I told Kelly I was going to the bathroom and made a beeline for the hallway I knew so well. I did my business before checking my reflection in the mirror before I went back out. I wish I didn’t wear this dress. Or these shoes. I wish I’d tied my hair back and wore less make up.

I sighed irritably and decided all I needed was more alcohol and pushed open the door only to find Jared on the other side, looming over me from his enormous height. I swallowed a thick lump that flew from my stomach up into my throat.

“We need to talk.” He said, holding his hand out to me. I hesitantly took it not sure what else to do at that moment. He led me down the hallway and out into a side alley. If I didn’t know Jared this would definitely be cause for alarm. He let my hand go and turned on me. “What the hell are you doing with Jensen?”

I inhaled, and then exhaled slowly, letting my brain take in his words and sort them into a way that didn’t sound totally accusatory if not offensive. But it didn’t work. “What am I doing with Jensen?”

“He told me, Carina. He told me everything. So, I ask as his best friend, and close friend of his WIFE, what are you doing with Jensen?” He asked again, stepping closer.

The ‘W’ word hit me like he’d dropped an anvil on my head. I shook my head, not really knowing what to say. “Honestly?”

“Preferably.” He spat.

I tangled my fingers together nervously, feeling like a child in a principal’s office. “I have no idea.”

He blinked at me, his eyes softening slightly and he stood up, no longer looming which quite frankly was intimidating enough. “You slept with him. You mean you didn’t know what you were doing?”

I shook my head. “No, I knew what I was doing. I mean…come on, Jared. The fact he even looked twice at me is miracle enough, you can’t honestly believe that I have a clue what I’m doing when it comes to someone like Jensen. Seriously, look at me.”

He stared in silence a beat longer. “I am looking at you, Carina. And I see a beautiful, confident, strong-willed young woman who has somehow taken my best friend, who I know loves his wife to death, and turned him into a cheat.”

“I did not turn him into a cheat Jared! He knew what he was getting into!”

“And so did you! God, don’t you have more self-respect than this?!”

I took a step back. “Self-respect?” I seethed back at him. “I took a chance, Jared. A fucking chance, okay? And I will not apologize for being weak. I will not apologize for breaking anyone’s heart because when I let him, let us do what we did I broke my own heart too, so don’t you dare stand there and judge me Padalecki because you have no idea what I have gone through these past two days.”

Jared’s face fell and I could see the guilt creep in.

“If I could go back, and tell him no. I would. Hell, if I could go back and step out of his god damn way so he never would’ve noticed me to begin with, I would. I would save him, if I could. I honestly would. I don’t want this. I never wanted this. I hate what I’ve become. I hate what I’ve made him. But it’s happened. I took a chance, Jared. And I will pay for it in guilt, and regret for the rest of my god damn life.”

He reached out then, pulling me into a bone crushing hug. I wrapped my arms around his waist, turning my head so I wasn’t suffocating against his chest. “I’m sorry, Carina. I jumped to conclusions.”

I shrugged. “I deserve most of your anger, Jared. But you can’t make me feel any worse, seriously. Save your energy for Jensen. He’s going to need it.”

“I don’t need you to save me.” I pushed away from Jared at Jensen’s sudden intrusion. He was standing in the door way, eyeing me and his best friend having a conversation about him with caution.

“Jensen, I didn’t mean-“

“No, Carina,” He interrupted, stepping outside as I untangled myself from around his best friend. “You did mean that. You’re such a victim here, right? You didn’t mean to do it, like I came into your room and stole something from you. Like you didn’t practically ask for it, teasing me in your god damn towel.”

Woah, where the hell was this coming from? “I’m not a victim.” I squeaked.

“No, you’re not!” He seethed and I suddenly preferred Jared looming over me in defense of his best friend than Jensen, looking at me with venom in his eyes. “I should’ve known you were trouble. You’ve been teasing me and drawing me in from the second I met you in that lobby. I’m betting you set that up, you and the friends you’re with. Like some giant game, is that it?”

I felt the tears spring to my eyes and I shook my head, not trusting my voice at this point.

“Girls like you make me sick,” Ouch. “You dress in your slutty skirts and your high heels knowing how much of a temptation you are and proceed to bat your eye lashes innocently at the first stupid son of a bitch who comes along.”

“Jensen, hold on-“ Jared warned but Jensen wasn’t having a bar of it.

“Well thank you, so very much for coming into my life and destroying it. You’re nothing but a homewrecker.” He said and I snapped, reaching up to slap him across his beautiful face. Hard. My hand stung. I felt nauseated.

My breathing was rapid and I was shaking, tears streaming down my face as I looked at this man in front of me. This beautiful man who was normally so together, so level headed, so loyal and honest.

I had done this to him. I felt a hand on my arm and turned to see Jared, his face a mixture of shock and worry. I shook my head at him, pulling my arm from his grip and turned back to look his friend square in the eye.

“I wish I’d never met you.” I choked out, before pushing past him, escaping the situation, and him.

This had to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have almost finished writing this story so it will be posted up in full over the next two days or so. Comment? Don't be shy.


	8. I See You, You See Me

8.

“You hit him!?” Kelly asked incredulously.

I sat up from where I was sobbing on my pillow and looked at her. “That’s what you took from that?”

“What? I mean, he’s tall, and strong, you must’ve had some pretty good force behind it to leave the mark I saw on his face.” She shrugged.

I tried to smile but it wouldn’t work. I was exhausted. Completely 100% exhausted. “This weekend is so not what I thought it would be.”

She nodded, wide eyed. “You’re telling me. I’m sure all the cast must know by now. Including most of that bar, you guys were loud!”

I shrugged, “Nothing we said wasn’t true.”

She frowned at me, “You’re not a homewrecker.”

I gave her ‘the look’.

“Okay, you are a homewrecker, but he wrecked it just as much as you did. Besides, if he was at such a point where he could’ve done something like this to Danneel, maybe their relationship isn’t all sunshine and roses like everyone assumes.”

I nodded, tucking my legs into my chest. “She’ll forgive him. I can tell. He’s the father to her child.”

“Regardless, he doesn’t deserve it. Hell, he doesn’t deserve you.”

I eyed her curiously. “What do you mean?”

She moved onto the bed further, taking my hands in hers. “Carina, you’re gold. Okay? Yeah you made a mistake but shit who doesn’t? You may be a home wrecker,” She rolled her eyes, “But you’re also smart, and talented and loyal to a fault. Not to mention drop dead gorgeous,” We both laughed. “And any man, who is willing to look you in the eye and disrespect you like Jensen did today, doesn’t deserve the time or space to even breathe next to you.”

I smiled at my friend, giving her hands a squeeze. “Y’know, that was exactly what I needed to hear.”

She laughed, “I know. I’m brilliant.” She pulled me into a hug, and I felt myself calm down.

There was a knock at the door and my body froze. “Come in?”

The door clicked and Oscar appeared in the opening. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted to see him, or whether I should just punch him and get it over with, but Jensen’s here to see you.”

I scoffed, “So he can call me more names? No thank you. Tell him to go take a hike.” I waved my hand at him, falling back onto the bed.

“You stay away from her,” I heard Kelly warn, making me sit back up again. Green eyes.

“I just want to talk,” Jensen entered the room, his hands up in a sign of surrender.

“Talk? Like you all did in the alley way? If I remember correctly that didn’t end up so well for your cheek bones,” She noted, pointing at the redness and bruising that was now gracing his magnificent bone structure. Great, now I’m a face wrecker too.

“I just want to apologize. Carina, please?”

“Don’t talk to her!” Kelly snapped, hands on hips, ready to add another bruise to his other cheek.

“Kell!” I warned, reaching out for her. “It’s fine.”

She moved her head, gesturing that I shouldn’t be alone with him. “Carrie,” She asked, urging me not to.

“I’m okay,” I smiled at her and she nodded.

Kelly pushed her finger into Jensen’s chest. “Hurt her, I end you.” She gave him one last warning before she disappeared through the door, shutting it behind her.

“Jensen,” I said, giving him my full attention. “How can I help you?”

He sighed, crossing the room to perch on the day bed. I was thankful for the space. “I’m sorry, Carina.” He said.

I shook my head. “How many times do I have to tell you to stop saying that to me?”

“But I am sorry!”

“You know how to fix that? Stop doing things that make you sorry! It’s that simple. I didn’t seduce you into bed with me, Jensen. Nor did I ask you to come into my room unannounced or gift me this suite so I felt like I was in your debt, okay? What you said hurt. And more than that, it also wasn’t true. Yes, maybe now because of my choices I am a homewrecker and that’s a burden I will take. But I did not once make you do something you didn’t want to do. I did not bat my eyelashes and lure you into my bed, you came willingly. Yes, I made some silly decisions, and flaunting myself in front of you in a towel was ideally not my best idea either, I admit, but for fucks sake Jensen, take some responsibility.”

He sighed heavily, running his hands over his face again. “I know.”

“When I said, I regret what happened, I meant it in the most honest way anyone would when coming between a man and his wife, not because I didn’t wholeheartedly enjoy being with you.” He looked at me through clasped hands.

“Really?”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Are you kidding, Ackles? You’re a stallion.” I teased him again, biting my own lip to keep from smiling.

“You love me.” Jensen grinned before his smile faded and a look of pure anguish crossed his features. “I can’t see you again.” He admitted quietly.

I nodded, “I understand.”

He swallowed heavily, “I want to stay with her.”

I nodded again. “I understand.”

We sat in silence for a while, both of us coming to terms with what had happened, and how it had happened. How we both would leave this weekend with scars of varying degrees. I reached out across the covers, blindly searching for his hand and he met me half way, lacing his fingers with my own.

I felt the tears start and I let them fall. The tension in the room slipped away. The longer we sat in silence, nothing needed to be said that hadn’t already been spoken. Closure, is that what this was?

As much as I’d wanted more, I knew that wasn’t possible. It wasn’t meant to be for us, and that was okay. He had a family. And a career in the spotlight. And I had a life to return to. A normal life without angry fans judging me or security or screaming women. A life of simplicity, and the little things that were enough for me before I came here, would be enough for me when I went home.

“Thank you, Jensen.” I said softly, not wanting to disrupt the silence.

He turned to meet my eyes, “For what?”

I smiled gently as another tear slid down my cheek, “For seeing me.”

He swallowed, and then sighed before shaking his head at me. “You deserve the world, Carina. I wish I could give it to you.” He lifted my hand, kissing the skin on my knuckles sweetly before pressing it to his forehead. “Thank you for letting me see you.” He whispered against the skin on my hand.

I swallowed a sob, and covered my face with my free hand. Huge cleansing sobs, pushed me and my façade to breaking point and I lost it, falling apart again. I pulled my hand from Jensen’s grip which alerted him. I let out a whine, as sob after sob wracked my body and I struggled to catch my breath.

“God, Carina…” Jensen stood, staring at me with a helpless look on his face.

“Just go, Jensen!” I hiccuped, another sob breaking out as I turned away from him, hiding myself under the covers.

“No, not like this. I can’t leave you like this.”

“GO!” I screamed, burying my face in my pillow.

I didn’t hear him leave, but I felt the pressure change on the bed and then I felt his body behind me, wrapping his arms around me, big spoon style as he gathered the pieces of me, and pulled them against him as I cried.

“Just go, Jen.” I whined, trying to control my breathing.

“Not like this. It’s okay to not be okay, Carrie.” He said, using my nickname for the first time causing another wave of grief to hit me. Grief, was that was this is?

So, I cried. I grieved. I let every bit of the last few days leave me and with every set of tears I felt better. I felt freer. I felt more me, the me that I was before the weekend began.

And Jensen was there, holding me, keeping me together, keeping me safe. And I was thankful.

We stayed like that until the wee hours of the morning. I had stopped crying a while ago but didn’t trust myself to move, in case I broke again. But I was okay.

I craned my neck to see if he was asleep, but he wasn’t. He blinked at me in the darkness, the light from the still wide open curtains letting me see his face. I turned to face him, my head on his bicep and his other hand moving to sit on my hip.

“Thank you for staying. I feel better now.”

He smiled sadly. “I’m glad.”

“I bet I look a fright.” I laughed at myself, running my hand over my face.

He moved my hand, wiping under one of my eyes. “Your skin is so soft after you cry.” His eyes following the trail his fingertips left on my skin. “I hate making you cry.”

I nodded, “I know.”

We stared at one another for a while, I’m not even sure how long it was, but he eventually broke the silence, uttering the words I knew were coming. “I have to go.”

I nodded. “I know.”

“If I don’t go now, I’ll never leave.”

I smiled in understanding. “I know.”

“It’s been…”

I laughed before sighing with a soft, sad smile on my face. “I know.”

He moved in, his eyes searching mine for permission. I didn’t answer, I simply moved in, stealing a kiss from his lips, the softness tingling against my own before I pulled away, not trusting myself to test boundaries.

He licked his lips and smiled before removing himself from the bed. He stretched and moved towards the door, checking his pockets as he went. He turned to look at me with his hand on the door handle.

“Goodbye, Carrie.”

I took a deep breath, my eyes drinking him in for the last time. “Goodbye, Ackles. Be happy.” I smiled. He smiled in return, nodded his head at me, and with a wink and a twist of his wrist, he was gone.

The door clicked shut behind him and I stared at the door until my heavy eyes took me into a deep well needed sleep.

I slept in the next morning and nobody woke me, they must’ve known. I thought and thought about going to the photo op but decided against it. Instead, I packed my bags, showered and changed into my plane clothes, changing my flight time to a day earlier which cost me a small fortune but in the long term would be worth it.

I put my J2M photo op ticket and Castiel photo op ticket into an envelope, writing a note with strict instructions for Kelly that she should give them to someone who really wanted them. I wrote to my friends that I couldn’t stay here any longer, that home was calling and that I needed to leave this weekend behind me. My life back home was beckoning, and I needed to return to normalcy.

I finished packing and left the suite and my note behind. I made my way down in the elevator and was about to leave. I couldn't shake the feeling I was forgetting something. I left my suitcase with the door man and was waiting around for a cab to the airport when I heard applause coming from the panel room. And I knew. I couldn’t help myself. Just one more glimpse.

I pulled the pass I still had from my bag and slipped into the back of the room. Misha and Jensen were on stage, both seated, answering questions.

I sat near the back, watching Jensen. He looked tired, which was expected. I watched for several minutes but I knew my cab would be waiting. I got up to leave, when I felt two eyes on my back, and Jensen had stopped speaking. I turned, not thinking he could see me this far back, but the audience lights were on.

He caught my eyes but continued his answer. I smiled at him, lifting my hand to wave. He smiled gently, secretly. And I turned around and left the room, and the hotel.

And the weekend behind me.


	9. It's My Party

9.

“Carrie? Carrie!? CARRIE!? CARINA!” I flinched at the sound of Oscar screaming at me from the other end of the café counter. “Can you take their order?” His eyes were wide as he pointed to the line that had formed while I was a million miles away.

I shook my head of the regular occurring thoughts that came flooding in several times a day and did what I was paid to do, serve people food and coffee and take their money. The New York streets were as busy as ever and our pokey little café was full to the hilt.

I checked my watch after the rush had died down. 4:45pm. I bit my lip, shifting my weight from side to side, wishing the time would go faster so I could go home, sleep, and forget this day ever arrived.

My 30th birthday. I was looking forward to it in the sense that I was no longer in my 20’s and could finally feel like I was actually an adult, but on the other hand, I was terrified. 30 was such a big number. And I didn’t feel as organized as I felt I should’ve by this age. Sure, I had a place to live, and a job, and great friends and a loving family, but I still didn’t feel complete.

I was hoping that would be a feeling that would pass. I also wished the thoughts I kept having would pass. Thoughts of Jensen. It’d been 2 months and I hadn’t heard a word, not even one. I had simply deduced he had deleted my number in a bid to save his marriage, so I respected his decision and refrained from texting or calling, even though I wanted to.

I still got to see him though, a new season of Supernatural had started, but I couldn’t watch it with the same escapism that I used to, it just wasn’t the same anymore.

Every time Dean came on the screen I imagined his lips on mine, or his arms around me, or the way he laughed or smiled. The way he would tease me and poke fun at my being a fan. I missed the son of a bitch.

“Carrie, since you’ve been less than useless today, you can clock out. Think of it, as a Birthday gift.” Oscar smiled, shoving my punch card into the machine to clock me out.

I smiled, leaning up to peck him on the cheek. “You’re too kind, really.”

He rolled his eyes, waving me off him. “Get away. I’ll see you later.” He laughed, taking over my place at the till.

I went into the back, packing my bag and taking off my apron. I grabbed my stuff, wrapping my winter coat around me as the fall chill, had hit New York and left out the back. I pulled up the hood of my coat and put my bag over my shoulder, heading home.

I loved New York in the fall. All the colors and smells seemed to hit me so much harder. The cold was welcomed. I liked the cold. I crossed my arms around myself and walked the streets towards my apartment building.

I’d lived in New York for 3 years, and I loved it.

I let myself into my apartment, seeing Kelly sitting on the couch blowing up balloons. I stopped in my tracks, my key still in the door.

“No, don’t you dare!” I warned her, pointing my finger at her.

“What?” She feigned innocence, tying a knot in what had to be the 100th god damn balloon. Our floor looked like a Chuck. E. Cheese had thrown up in it.

“No parties! You swore there would be no parties!” I complained, pulling my key out and shutting the door after me. I leaned back on the wood, already wanting to go back to work so I wouldn’t have to be here and be put through the torment of another one of Kelly’s birthday parties.

“It’s just a little one.” She said, showing me how much with her fingers.

“A little one? The last time you said a little party, 80 people showed up.”

She scoffed, “Oh honey relax, don’t flatter yourself, you don’t know 80 people.”

I scowled at her, letting my bag fall to the floor. “Kelly? I’m not really in the mood for a party.”

She shook her head at me, picking up another balloon. “Of course, you do. Trust me, it’ll be painless. You’ll know everyone coming, I’ll take care of everything! Believe me, you’ll regret it if you don’t.”

I rolled my eyes as I went straight to the fridge to find some alcohol, and a lot of it because I was going to need it to get through tonight. “What am I supposed to wear anyway?” I asked, finally giving in.

She grinned from ear to ear and jumped up, bringing a bag with her. “I got you a little something, think of it, as an early birthday present.” She was practically bouncing as she handed me the bag.

I downed my first glass of wine, swallowing and taking the bag from her. “Early present? It is my actual birthday you do know that right?” I said trying to get a sneak peek into the bag.

“Early, as in, you’ll be getting your actual present later. Now, go, shower, get dressed and looking wonderful, everyone should start getting here in a few hours.” She shooed me off with a wave of her hand and went back to decorating.

I did as I was told, I knew better by now.

I took a long hot shower and washed my hair, knowing I had more time. I still hadn’t gotten it cut. I dried my hair and put on some makeup, mostly to hide the bags that had now become a part of my face in the past few months, much to my dismay.

“Right, what have you got me lady?” I said, heading back out to my room. I opened the bag, pulling out a burgundy bodycon dress with detailed cut out at the back. I smiled. She really did know me.

“Carrie, people have started arriving!” I heard Kelly announce through my door.

“Wow, how long was I in that shower.” I laughed, zipping myself into the dress. I grabbed my burgundy patent close toed pumps and took a deep breath. “You can do this, it’s just one party.” I said to myself. I smoothed out my dress, put on my best smile and headed out.

Kelly had outdone herself. The apartment looked great. She had cleaned and cooked and was the perfect host. All I had to do was sit back and have a good time.

About an hour went by and most of the people I knew in New York had arrived. I was loitering around the kitchen island, sipping on the lethal punch that Oscar and Levi had put together when the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it!” Kelly sung, running across the room to the door.

“We need some whiskey.” I said to my friend Lisa, who I worked with at the café and bent down to open the liquor cupboard under the sink. I grabbed a bottle of Jameson’s and lifted it up triumphantly. “I found the whiskey!” I shouted proudly but was not prepared for the voice that replied.

“Great, I’ll take one of those, darlin’.” The notable drawl and tone of the voice made my stomach lurch and I had to brace myself on the counter to keep myself from falling down.

“No. Freaking. Way.” I said softly to myself.

“Yes way.” The voice replied again. In slow motion, I stood from my crouched position behind the kitchen island and back into a standing position and into two eyes I’d missed more than I allowed myself to admit. So much green.

“Jensen?” I asked, my voice thick and full of emotion.

“Let me take that.” Kelly said from my side, removing the whiskey bottle from my hand as I stared at the man on the other side of the island, watching me carefully.

“You’re here.” I said to him, my body and mind in total shock.

He smirked, holding his arms out. “I’m here. I hope that’s okay.” His smirk faltered but didn’t disappear.

He looked like a vision. He was dressed in a black shirt under a light grey blazer, dark wash jeans completing the look. Simple, yet devastating on him.

“Drink this.” Kelly said into my ear, shoving a glass into my hand.

I downed it without thinking, wincing at the sting of whiskey as it settled and soothed my nerves almost instantly.

“You look great.” Jensen said, looking me up and down. He moved like he was going to come around the island and I took a step back, hitting the fridge behind me. His eyes went wide and he held his hand up. “Are you okay?” He asked, confusion on his beautiful face.

I shook my head and put my glass on the bench behind me. I shut my eyes, not wanting to look at him. “ I have to go to the bathroom.” I said to the floor and quickly dashed from the room to my bedroom, shutting the door behind me. I slammed myself against the door, trying to catch my breath.

Why was he here? How was he here? I felt sick. All the feelings I thought I was doing so well to hide came flooding back, hitting me all at once.

I grabbed my head, trying to shake the anxiety. And then it stopped. “This is stupid.” I said to myself. “I’m not this person.” I told myself and moved off the door. I went into the bathroom and peed, since I was there. I washed my hands and headed back into my room. And there he was, sitting on my bed, the picture I’d had in my mind for months.

“Hi,” He said, standing. His eyes were panicked and dashed around my room. “I told Kelly I shouldn’t come but she insisted and, you know what she’s like. So I got on a red eye after filming and,” he picked up a bag off the floor. “I bought you something and Jared wanted to come but one of his kids got sick so he had to stay and-“

“Jensen!”

He stopped talking, his eyes finding mine. “Yeah?”

I closed the gap between us, standing in front of him. “It’s fucking good to see you, Ackles.” I smiled, holding my arms out.

He let out a breath and his hand found my hip, pulling me against him in a tight, much needed hug. I buried my face in his neck, breathing him in. He smelt the same, yet so vastly different.

“Thank you for coming,” I whispered against his skin. He shuddered under my touch and tightened his hold.

“Happy Birthday, darlin’.” He soothed into my ear, and I felt him kiss my neck gently.

I pulled away, smiling at him, drinking him in with my eyes. “So, tell me, how are you?” I asked, sitting back down on the bed.

He laughed to himself and rubbed his hand over his hair. “Well,” He started, looking around my room. “Filming is going great. Really great. I don’t think I’ve ever been so focused.” He told me, going over to my shelves and poking through my trinkets and things, touching them all affectionately with his finger as he went. It was weird having him in my room, in my space. “Jared’s, Jared.” He said with a laugh. “He sends his wishes by the way.”

“Thank you Jared.” I said out loud, making him laugh.

“Went to a convention last week and it was absolute mayhem. But in the best way possible.” He stopped at my desk, turning towards me as he perched on the end, looking down at his legs in front of him.

“And JJ?” I asked, holding the smile on my face.

He smiled sadly. “She’s beautiful.” He looked up at me, and a wave of sadness crossed his face.

“What’s wrong, Jen?” I asked.

He shook his head. “For another time.” He said, hiding the sadness the second I’d asked as he looked down at his legs again.

I shook my head at him, crossing the space between us. “Don’t do that, don’t act in front of me. I can’t stand you doing that. Not with me.” I grabbed his face, pulling his chin up so he was looking at me. “What’s going on?” I asked him.

He swallowed and a tear slipped out of his eye, I’m not even sure he was expecting it. “Things with Danneel are…broken.” He admitted.

I ran my thumb across his cheek, wiping the betrayal away. I searched his eyes with mine, begging him to tell me more.

“I tried, Carrie. I swear, I tried so hard.” He said, another tear making its way out. I pulled him to me, feeling him break. He held me tightly, whispering how much he’d tried. And I believed him. “I can’t fix it. She doesn’t want me to. I’ve lost her Carrie.”

I pulled away, running my fingers down his face, holding it in my hands like some precious jewel. And he was.

“I gave her everything. I told her the truth and she said she forgave me but I don’t think she ever did, or could. I wanted to save us.”

I nodded along with him, listening to him. This whole time I was just thinking about myself and I never once thought what life was like for him when the weekend was over. I felt sick.

“I tried, Carrie. You have to believe me.” He reached up, holding my face in his hand and I smiled sadly at him, turning my hand to kiss his palm, letting him cradle my head.

“I do believe you, Jen, of course. You did what you could. Maybe what’s broken can’t be fixed.” I told him, feeling a tear fall from my eye as well.

“Can I ask you something, Carrie?”

I nodded, “Of course.”

“Do you still, I mean-do you still feel for me like you…”

I nodded before he’d even finished. The knot in my stomach tightened to the point I thought it might break. “Of course, nothing’s changed.” I told him, admitting it to myself for the first time.

He looked down, pain on his face. “Have you-I mean, have there been other…”

I shook my head. “You. Just you.”

He held my face with two hands then, his eyes silently asking me and I nodded, giving him permission for his silent question. And he broke the space between us, bringing his lips quickly and harshly against my own.

I felt like I could breathe for the first time in two months, like everything up until now had been labored or difficult to finish. All the pieces fit, and I sobbed against him. He gripped me to him tightly, moving us so I was now against the desk and he lifted me, gently placing me on the wooden space.

He rid me of any barriers and gave himself to me in a way I never thought he would again, I returned his need with equal passion and desire. My body came to life under his touch I never wanted to lose the feeling he gave me.

We ended up on my bed, half dressed, sweating and panting. I looked over at him from my position on my back and he felt my eyes. He looked over at me and we both started laughing.

“I wasn’t expecting that.” I said after the laughter had died down.

He chuckled. “Me neither.”

I sat up, looking around the room as I flicked a strand of wayward hair out of my eye. “I should get back out there or Kelly will come and find us.”

Jensen groaned and reached out for me, pulling me back to him. “No stay here. With me. We can snuggle.”

I snorted at the ridiculous man underneath me. “Snuggle? Okay Dawson’s Creek. How about no?” I teased, pushing myself off his chest.

“Stay.” He said roughly, sitting up and grabbing me around the waist.

I laughed and stole a kiss from his lips before bouncing off the bed and out of his reach.

“Tease.” He complained, falling back onto the bed.

“Get up, Ackles!” I told him, throwing his jeans at his face.

“Son of a bitch!” He cussed, pulling his pants off his head and glaring at me.

We both got dressed and looked at least semi normal again.

“Do we have to go back out there? It’s so much nicer in here with you.” He said, pulling his blazer up and over his shoulders.

I smoothed my hair down in the mirror and joined his side by the door. “I know, but Kelly.” I said by way of explanation and he nodded.

“Yeah, she can be pretty…” He trailed off, trying to find the right word.

“A pain in the ass is the expression you’re looking for.” I checked him over, reaching up to straighten out his collar. “Perfect, let’s go.”

“Wait!” He stopped me, grabbing my hand to pull me back. “I’m not forgetting the conversation we had earlier. We need to talk more.”

I nodded, running my hand through his hair and down the side of his face. “We will. I swear.”

He leaned in, kissing me softly before the door burst open in front of us.

“Jesus Christ, Kelly!” I grabbed my chest in shock at the sudden intrusion.

“Ew, were you guys kissing? That’s disgusting.”

I rolled my eyes at her. “Shut up, we’re coming back out.” I grabbed Jensen’s hand, pulling him along behind me as we went back out to join my friends.

I knew we had to talk. But this was nice, having him here. And I hated to think what would come of another conversation. 

Keeping him was a dream. But losing him completely, that felt like a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go wonderful people.
> 
> I am a big believer in HEA's but...I don't really see how that's possible in this situation.
> 
> We shall see.


	10. The Privilege Is Mine

10.

The party died down and soon it was just the convention gang and Jensen. Oscar had managed to have several conversations with Jen that weren’t just him babbling incomprehensibly. I was actually pretty proud of him.

Jensen stayed close to my side the entire night, meeting my friends and charming them with his wit and sense of humor. My friends kept coming up to me, telling me how much they loved him and asking where I’d managed to bag myself such a stunning man. I didn’t know how to answer them because I wasn’t sure if I’d even bagged him yet myself.

We’d both kicked off our shoes by this point, and he was sans jacket sitting in the armchair by the window of the main living room and I was on the arm of the chair, my legs on his lap as his fingers made lazy circles across my knees, the other gripping his whiskey glass as we chatted with Oscar and Levi.

“Let me help you,” I said to Kelly again who was running around, tidying up.

“Shut up, you. It’s your birthday. I’ve got this.”

I smiled, she really was the best. “Okay,” I smirked. “Let Jensen help you.” I poked my tongue between my teeth when Jensen’s hand stopped moving on my skin.

“Don’t throw me in it,” Jensen laughed in my ear. I grinned, reaching up to run my hand over his head.

“Sorry, not sorry.” I said, leaning down slightly to kiss his forehead.

“I’m fine you guys, I’m almost finished anyway.” She shook her head and turned back to the sink.

I giggled and drained my glass of the last of the punch and placed it on the table beside me. I turned back to Jensen and my eyes watched his hand that had continued its patterned movement on my leg. And something caught my eye.

I reached down, lifting his hand and holding it in my own, the fingers of my other hand danced over the ring still sitting on his ring finger.

I felt him tense and he looked up at me, stealing my line of sight.

“We should go talk.” He said.

I nodded and climbed off him. We said goodnight to the guys and Jensen went to use the bathroom while I went to give Kelly a hug.

“Did you have a good night?” she asked, wiping the bench down for the last time before turning to me.

I nodded, sleepy and a little drunk. “I did, thank you for being the best.” I grinned at her, pulling her into a hug.

“Be careful with him.” Kelly whispered in my ear.

I nodded, “I know. I’ll try.” I replied.

She pulled back, meeting my eyes as she brushed a part of my fringe out of my eyes. “Make sure he deserves you, okay?”

I blinked at her unsure of what she meant and nodded again. “I will.”

“Night, Carrie.” She let me go and headed off to my room.

“Night, Kell.”

I shut my bedroom door after myself and heard Jensen in the shower. I smiled, loving how he’d just made himself right at home. I turned some music on my phone, popping it in its charging station. One of my acoustic playlists started and The Villagers came on. I stripped out of my dress, throwing it over the back of my desk chair and crossed my room to where I kept my jewelry. I took my watch off, putting it away and my earrings and necklace followed.

I heard the bathroom door open and turned to see Jensen leaning in the doorway in only a towel, his upper body glistening from the steam.

“Hey, Ackles.” I smiled, putting my hands on my hips.

“Seriously?” He asked, smirking at me, his eyes full of fire.

“What?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.

“You’re standing in your window in your underwear and heels?”

I laughed to myself, crossing the floor over to him. I reached out, grabbing him by the top of his towel and pulled him towards me. “You’re dressed in less.” I tugged at his towel and his eyes narrowed.

“You wouldn’t dare.”

I shrugged, “Maybe, maybe not.” I laughed letting my hand wander down, brushing over the obvious tent he had building underneath the soft cloth material.

He hissed and pulled his hips back and out of my reach and I pulled my hand away.

“Sorry,” I said, suddenly feeling stupid. Nothing burns quite like rejection. I laughed at myself and turned around, going to my closet to take off my heels.

I grabbed an over-sized shirt from the shelf and pulled it on over my bra, taking it off underneath and I heard Jensen sigh from somewhere in my room. “I keep hurting you.” I heard him say.

I turned around, watching him put his briefs on underneath the towel. He took off the towel, drying his upper body before throwing it in the hamper that sat in the corner. “It’s what we do though, isn’t it?”

He threw me a look and I shrugged. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked, sitting down on my bed.

“What are we if we’re not hurting someone, right? May as well end up being one another if not ourselves, if not your wife.”

“Stop.” Jensen said, putting his head in his hands.

“Sorry.” I said, leaning against the frame of my wardrobe.

“Stop saying that, Carrie. Seriously, stop apologizing.” He grumbled. He still wasn’t looking at me. “I hate you being sorry. I hate that you feel you owe me anything, least of all an apology.” He looked up at me now. “If anyone should be sorry, it should be me. I should not have taken you earlier, it was selfish of me and I used you as a means to an end.”

I frowned at him, crossing my arms as I so often did. “And what exactly is that supposed to mean? Just give it to me straight, Ackles. Don’t bullshit me or use your scripts to sugar coat it. Just say it.”

He sighed and looked away and I braced myself for what came next. “I can’t be with you, Carina.”

I nodded slowly, letting his words sink in. “So, you come here, to my birthday party, have sex with me, and then go back to your wife? You said she didn’t want to fix it!”

“It’s complicated okay!?” He snapped, getting up and going into the bathroom.

I followed him, standing at the doorway as I watched him put the rest of his clothes on. “Complicated? It doesn’t sound that complicated to me, Ackles. You meet me at a convention, you fuck me, you make me fall in love with you then you ignore me for two months, show up at my birthday, pity fuck me again and then leave and go back to your wife, child and your happily ever after!?”

He looked at me for a beat, his eyes unblinking and unchanged. “I made you what?” He asked, his voice breathy in disbelief.

I went over what I said in my head and felt my eyes widen and my face burn with embarrassment. “I didn’t mean, that’s not the point.” I said hurriedly, going back to my room. I sat on the edge of my bed, facing the other way so I wouldn’t have to look at him.

Silence swallowed the room and I wanted to disappear. I felt the bed shift behind me but I was too scared to move. I’d said too much. I’d felt too much and fallen too much. “Carrie…” He said behind me.

“Stop. I didn’t mean it okay. I’m drunk, I don’t know what I’m saying.” I lied. I began to pick at the end of my shirt, needing something to distract my mind.

We were silent for a long time after this. Minutes passed, so many that I’d lost count. I could hear him breathing, that was the only way I knew he was still in the room.

“I’m not drunk.” I confessed after a while.

“I know. Me either.” He returned. “I need to explain myself but, everything I say ends up hurting you. I hate hurting you. I hate making you cry.”

I felt a tear fall from my eye and I wiped it away but it was no use, the damage was done and there was no stopping me now.

“I want to do this right, if we decide to do it all, do you understand?”

“Yes.” And I did. I think.

“I don’t want you to feel like a mistress or a secret. I don’t want you to see this ring and feel shitty every time you think about what we’re doing or what we’ve done. You deserve more than that. You deserve more than I can give you right now, sweetheart.”

I let my face fall into my hands as a sob let loose from my chest.

“Danneel doesn’t know about you. She doesn’t know it was you. I didn’t tell her. And she didn’t ask. But JJ. She needs to be my highest priority. I need to protect her from what a separation could mean or what a divorce could mean for her. And the media will take anything or anyone, they know could be included, and rip it to shreds and portray it in such an ugly way. I don’t want that for you, Carrie. Because you’re more than an affair.”

I sobbed. I hated this, but everything he was saying was right. “What do you want me to do?” I asked, although I didn’t really want to know.

The bed shifted behind me again and he came around to kneel in front of me, pulling my hands into his as he looked at me through tear filled eyes. “I need time, darlin’. Time and patience.”

“How much time?”

He leant forward, resting his head in my lap. “I don’t know, sweetheart. I really don’t.”

I sobbed, running my hand through his hair.

“I know I’m asking a lot. I know I’m asking you to wait for something that may not even be worth it, and I’ll completely understand if when I’m ready, you’re not. Or you meet someone while I’m fixing this and you decide that they’re more worth it than I am, and I wouldn’t blame you.” Emotion caught in his throat and he struggled to continue. I slid down to the floor in front of him, enfolding myself around him and he returned the hug. “I wouldn’t blame you, sweetheart. You deserve more than I can give you.”

“I love you, Jen.” I whispered and he didn’t pull away like I thought he would. He didn’t freeze up or stop breathing. He held me closer, he clung to me tighter.

“Fuck,” He said, squeezing me more than I thought was humanly possible. “I fucking love you so much, Carrie.”

We held one another and cried, but I knew this was for the best. To dive head first into anything right now would be selfish, and stupid. But, I could wait. I would wait for him. He was worth it to me.

He had to leave a few hours later, needing to get back to set. I walked him to the door, and I watched him lean against the door frame, his eyes scanning me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, like his eyes were trying to remember my image.

“Take a photo, it’ll last longer.” I poked my tongue out at him and he grinned.

“Actually, good idea.” He pulled his phone out and crushed me to his side, taking a photo of us together.

“You have my number now, try and use it huh?” I reminded him, desperately hoping he would.

He laughed and put his phone away, reaching out to pull me into a hug. “You can change your mind at any time, and I’ll understand darlin’.”

I shook my head against him. “Not a chance.”

He laughed, “You say that now.” He pulled away. His hand came up, holding my face gently. “You’re beautiful.” He breathed out, running his thumb across my bottom lip. I kissed it softly as it went past and that was invite enough for him as he bought his lips to where his thumb was.

I pulled back, letting my arms hang loosely around his neck. “I love you, Ackles. Be good.”

He grinned, leaning in for another kiss and I let him go. “I know.” He replied, laughing as he pulled away, starting off down the hallway.

I laughed, shaking my head and I flipped him off when he stopped and turned at the elevator.

‘Love you’. He mouthed, kissing the air between us. I was going to miss him like crazy. And with that, he was gone.

Label me a homewrecker, and damn me to hell but it wouldn’t make a difference. I made a choice, and I took a chance.

I wasn’t sure what the future held, and to be honest with you, I didn’t really care. If it was meant to be, it would be. But I had to at least try, because he was worth it.

I loved him.

And he loved me.

And for now, that was enough.

My name is Carina Daniels. And this was my story.

**The End.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's that. Short and sweet. I may visit these two again at some point, I might not.
> 
> This is more just a warmer story to get back into writing. I haven't included any smut because it just didn't feel right, i think the suggestion is enough given the circumstances. 
> 
> To clarify again, this is not a reflection on Jensen at all, or his wife or marriage blablahblah it is fiction.
> 
> I'll add on the list of songs I used for the chapter titles, that I also used as inspiration for each.
> 
> And thank you for reading, leave me some love.
> 
> Bye,
> 
> -R
> 
>  
> 
> 1\. Head Over Feet - Alanis Morisette
> 
> 2\. Eyelash Wishes - The All American Rejects
> 
> 3\. Tennessee Whiskey - Chris Stapleton
> 
> 4\. Blinded By The Light - Manfred Mann Earth Band
> 
> 5\. This Is How A Heart Breaks - Rob Thomas
> 
> 6\. Stop! - Jamelia (Cover)
> 
> 7\. Simple Man - Jensen Ackles Etc. (Live Con Cover)
> 
> 8\. I See You, You See Me - The Magic Numbers
> 
> 9\. It's My Party - Lesley Gore
> 
> 10\. There Is A Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths


End file.
